KINGDOM HEARTS Epilogue
by Evilmini86
Summary: CH 34 is FINALLY up My hilarious opinion of what SHOULD have happened at the end of the game...R&R because I said so! rs and k?
1. Obvious Revisions

::KINGDOM HEARTS:: The Epilogue--*My Revisioning*

For all of you that have beaten the game or just watched someone else do it, you know where we left our heroes. For others, this may slightly screw up the ending for you, so DON'T READ ON!!! However, if you don't care then please READ ON!!! This is a partial work of fiction, humor, and beauty. It's only for "kicks and giggles", so don't get all pissed of if I go and do something like kill off Kairi!!! But I won't! (wink) Some of the contents may be offensive, but remember: I just made up crap that was funny for me and my homiez! So SHHH!!! Please enjoy!

* SCENE I *

__________________________________

(WARNING: Reality ahead!!!!)

--After Sora, Donald, and Goofy defeat Ansem, they find a large white door, Kingdom Hearts, surrounded in darkness and black. Bright sprits of light shoot from the sky as the many lost worlds separate once more. Sora, and his companions fly towards the door.

Ansem: You are too late! The door to darkness is opening.

--He turns to the door.

Ansem: Kingdom Hearts! Fill me with everlasting darkness!

--Sora stands behind him.

Sora: You're wrong! I know now, without a doubt, that Kingdom Hearts is light!

--Bright lights shoot out from the door of Kingdom Hearts, blinding all and enveloping Ansem. He gasps in awe and disappears. They run to the now open door and try their best to reseal it. Curious, Goofy peeks in to the door.

Donald: Stop gawking and keep pushing!

--Then they all lose self-control and look into the door, seeing nothing but Heartless.

All: The Heartless!!!

--They then push even harder, but the door scarcely budged.

Goofy & Donald: Push harder!

Sora: I...I can't!!!

--All of a sudden, a hand comes through the 12-inch crack of the door.

Riku: Come on Sora!!! If we work together, I know we can do it!!!

--Riku stands inside of Kingdom Hearts, pulling the door closed.

(Warning: Here comes the fiction!!!)

Sora: Riku? Is that you?

Riku: Yes, dammit! Now help me close this frickin' door so that we can seal the Heartless away forever!

Sora: No! I can't do that, Riku! I can't just leave you here!

--Sora pulls Riku through the crack of the door.

Riku: What the hell are you doing?!! Sora, are you insane? I'm evil don't you see that, and competition for you getting Kairi, if I do say so myself.

Sora: But you're my friend...

Donald: Push, dammit!

Mickey: Wait, Riku! You can't leave me here with the Heartless!

Riku: Oh yes I can! Holy Jesus, PUSHHH!!!

--Mickey screams inside the dark castle with the glowing Heartless edging closer, and closer to his ugly yellow shoes. He holds up a golden key.

Mickey: Don't worry my friends! I will be all right! Hopefully. And remember, there will always be a door to the...

Riku: PUSHHHHH!!!!!

Mickey: OH, NOOO!

Donald: Hold on there, Riku! Show some respect to the queen...I mean...King! . Goofy: (laughing) 'Hyuck-'hyuck, gawrsh, you are gay, Mickey!

Mickey: Wait, just don't tell Minnie!

Donald: That's the first thing on my agenda!

Mickey: NOOOO!!!! Dammit! Out of one closet and into another!

Riku: We can't close this door by ourselves! Sora, use that gay fairy thing you use on the door.

Sora: Oh, you mean my k....very "masculine" key of light?

Riku: Yeah, whatever. Mickey's got one, too. Use them in unison!

--Both keys were held toward the sky, and the doors were sealed. In an instant, they vanish.

Riku: Where the hell did the doors go?

Sora: I'm not sure, but at least you're safe.

Riku: Excuse me?

--In the corner of his eye, Sora sees a figure appear. It is Kairi, confused and alone. Sora runs to her.

Kairi: Sora? Where am I? And where is all this music coming from.

Sora: I'll never leave your side again.

--Under Kairi's feet, sand forms into an island. Slowly, it begins to drift away from Sora.

Kairi: What the f***?

Sora: NOOO!!! Kairi!!!

Riku: (from a small distance) Just grab her you idiot!!!

Sora: Oh, right!

--He grabs Kairi from the floating island.

Kairi: Smooth move, numb nuts!

Riku: Let's just get out of here.

Donald: How?

Sora: We start to walk in one direction like we know where were going then we'll eventually appear in a large field somewhere with a path then we follow that path, what?!

All: Oh, r-r-right...


	2. I've been having these weird thoughts

* SCENE II *  
  
____________________________________________________  
  
--They've appeared in a grassy field with a path in the middle. Goofy and Donald walk behind the others and speak of their journeys. Kairi walks holding Sora's hand @ her left and Riku's hand @ her right, kinda like a girl pimp or a Kairi Sandwich.  
  
Donald: Look at them up there! All lovey-dovey! I swear if I just had a gun...BANG...BANG...screamin'! Blood everywhere!  
  
Goofy: What about the third BANG?  
  
Donald: I ain't shootin' Kairi. No, no. She's mine!  
  
Goofy: Gawrsh, you are funny Donald.  
  
Donald: Call me Donny, it's a new me!  
  
Goofy: Fine whatever, "Donny", but surely you haven't forgotten about Daisy!  
  
Donny: Jigga-what?  
  
Goofy: Your wife!  
  
Donny: Oh, that old bird! What about her, G-Dog!  
  
G-Dog: We've been on this mission with that brown haired midget for over a year! She must be worried about you!  
  
Donny: Hold up, cuz! Fo'shizzle to my nizzle G-Dog. Don't playa hate, participate!  
  
Goofy: Seriously, Donald! We've got places to go! We need to rendez vous back at that castle where we last saw Daisy and Minnie! You've got to plead for forgiveness, and I've got to get my job back! And while we're there we might as well tell Minnie that Mickey's dead...  
  
Donald: And that he's gay!  
  
Goofy: Yeah, I guess that's in order. I suppose a wife deserves to know!  
  
Donald: Wait a sec! What job?  
  
--Up ahead, Kairi and her boys are talking.  
  
Sora: Finally, this is all over. Now we can rest.  
  
Riku: What do you mean? What if the Heartless gets out of there, what if I go all evil again, what if Mickey finally comes out of the doors...closest...I mean doors!??  
  
Sora: Well, at least you're safe, Riku.  
  
Riku: Don't you mean Kairi?  
  
Sora: Oh, yes...Riku.  
  
Riku: Don't look at me like that!  
  
Sora: Like what?  
  
Riku: Kairi, can you please excuse us.  
  
--Kairi walks ahead. Riku and Sora drop back and continue walking.  
  
Riku: What's up with you, Sora? You've got the girl, you're a hero, and all you can do is say how happy you are to save ME!!!  
  
Sora: I don't know what you mean!  
  
Riku: I'm going to ask you a serious question and be honest. I won't judge you. I'm your friend. Now, Sora, are you gay?  
  
Sora: WHAT!?!?! Am I gay? What are you talking about? You've got to be kidding me!  
  
Riku: Just answer the question.  
  
Sora: Of course, I'm n...not...t...t...g...g...but what if I am! I mean I've been having these weird thoughts lately. I don't really care that much about what's-her-name anymore. I mean when you were in those doors I pulled you out of there with my own will, but when it came to Kairi floating away on that island, I just stood there, and even then, I can fly for God sakes! Oh, Riku! I'm just so confused Riku! But how did you know? Are you...  
  
Riku: "Jigoku nai!" (translation: "hell no")  
  
Sora: Are you sure!  
  
Riku: YES!!!  
  
Sora: Okay, but how do we even know for sure that I'm, well, you know? I mean you don't understand how I feel right now! Alone, scared, and the only person that I can turn to, well, is you Riku. You're my best friend, I look up to you, I think I might even...even...what I'm trying to say is...  
  
Riku: What is it Sora?  
  
--Sora stops and stares deeply into Riku's eyes. He stops walking. Puzzled, Riku halts. Sora jumps toward Riku hugging him tightly and crying. Crying so hard that the tears form rivers in his face. Riku is alarmed.  
  
Riku: Sora.....Sora, are you okay? Do you mind maybe getting off me?  
  
--Sora drops to the ground still crying.  
  
Sora: I'm so sorry! I'm such a fool. I don't want Kairi, but if she wants me then this will break her heart! I love her, I do, but, but, oh Riku! Riku, look at her walking ahead of us. She doesn't even turn around. She's beautiful isn't she, isn't she Riku?  
  
Riku: Oh, yeah!  
  
Sora: But I don't feel that I love her the way I should, Riku. I guess you were right, Riku. I guess that you are right.  
  
Riku: Don't feel bad, Sora. This is not your fault, it's no one's fault. But if it was someone's fault, it would be Mickey's. Anyway, Sora, you are going to have to tell Kairi the truth. If she truly cares, then she'll understand. Don't worry Sora, everything's gonna be just fine.  
  
Sora: Do you care, Riku?  
  
Riku: Yes, of course, Sora. I'm your friend.  
  
Sora: Domo, arigato-gozaimasu, Riku. (trans.: "Thanks, thank you very much, Riku.")  
  
Riku: Practicing your Japanese?  
  
Sora: Hai! (whispers) Koishiteru. (trans.: "Yes!"... "I think I'm in ____." --You figure out the blank)  
  
Riku: What? "You think you're in" what?  
  
Sora: Oh, nothing...(whispers)...ai.  
  
Riku: Huh?  
  
Sora: Ai...I......I am ready to get home now.  
  
Riku: Oh, me too!  
  
--Riku helps Sora off the ground. Sora dusts himself off and hugs Riku once more. He whispers one last thank you into his ear and holds his hand for one split second only to slip something into his hand. He backs up, smiles and continues to walk forward. Riku stops, dead in his tracks, quite in shock by the hug, whisper, and the hand thing. He realizes that there is something in his hand, he opens it slowly and saw it. The "paopu", the star shaped treat, the same one that he gave to Sora so long ago. "He kept it," he thought. Riku stood there puzzled staring at Sora growing ever so far with each step. He noticed the waves that the grass made with the wind. He noticed how far Kairi was and that Goofy and Donald had passed them long ago. He felt for Sora, and sadness fell through his body and made him feel heavy and weak.  
  
Riku: I'm sorry, Sora. Sorry that you so are alone. 


	3. Enter the Original Puppy Playa'

* SCENE III *  
  
______________________________________  
  
--Out of nowhere, a sharp blast of orange-yellow blurs in front of them.  
  
All: PLUTO!!!  
  
--Sure, enough, it was Pluto, the retard reject of Disney!(sorry, I had to say it)  
  
Pluto: Hey! Goofy! I gotz a Bone to pick with youz!  
  
Kairi: What the f***!? He can talk?  
  
Pluto: What, you wanna start somethin'!  
  
Kairi: Bring it on, G.D.  
  
Pluto: Huh?  
  
Kairi: Ghetto Dog!  
  
Pluto: Excuse me, Miss Thang!  
  
Kairi: Sorry, what was your name again? Was it "Son of a B***h?"  
  
Pluto: Oh, no you didn't! Don't hate, don't hate!  
  
Goofy: Hey, hey! You don't want her, you want to talk to me!  
  
Pluto: What up dog! You be TRIPPIN'!!!!  
  
Goofy: Huh?  
  
Pluto: Sell out! Tryin' to be all bouggie!!!  
  
Goofy: Huh?  
  
Pluto: Walkin' upright, drivin' cars, wearin' clothes my canine brother. Sellin' out to the man like you do. The man even got you a hat. What...what.....what? Where's the feather, my brother?  
  
Goofy: I didn't sell out that much.  
  
Pluto: How is that? Tell me...tell me...my brother!  
  
Goofy: I gotz a posse, homez! This is D-Duck a.k.a. Donny, and this is the Big Head Trio! And if you don't back up, we just might be bustin' some caps!  
  
Pluto: Word, G. I..I didn't know you rolled like that, kid!  
  
Goofy: You best get up out my place, before we send yo ass to space!  
  
Pluto: Slow your roll, dog! Slow your roll!  
  
Kairi: What the f***! He be clownin' you G-Dog! He be clownin'  
  
Pluto: Hey, watch it!  
  
Goofy: Watch yourself, watch yourself!  
  
Pluto: What up, homez!!!!  
  
--BANG!!!!  
  
Sora: Oh, my God! They killed Pluto!  
  
Riku: You b@st@rds!  
  
Goofy: Oh, oh, God!!! Who just did that?  
  
Kairi: What the f*** are you guys lookin' at me for.  
  
Donald: No matter how much he deserved it, you just shoot Pluto!  
  
Kairi: So?  
  
--His cold dead body was sprawled out on the grass. The only thing slightly alive about him was his dog tag blowing in the wind. Sora knelt down to read the tag.  
  
Sora: It says O.P.P. What's that mean?  
  
Goofy: Original Puppy Playa. We grew up in the same hood. I got him that on his 3rd birthday.  
  
Donald: So what do we do now?  
  
Kairi: Look, I'll hide the f***ing body! You guys go ahead.  
  
--They all walk ahead, leaving Kairi behind with the corpse. After only a few seconds, the clouds in the sky start to mold and make a figure of someone's head.  
  
Kairi: What the f***?!  
  
Mufasa: I, Mufasa, the great Lion King, have come to stop this killing, KAIRI!!!!  
  
Kairi: What the f***?!  
  
Riku: What are you taking about "Smokey the Bear"?  
  
Mufasa: I speak of the many left dead in her trail.  
  
Sora: She's been with us this whole time and she only killed Pluto.  
  
Mufasa: What about before you got here?  
  
Sora: She was with us.  
  
Mufasa: Before that!  
  
Sora: Oh, oh. Kairi, NO!  
  
Kairi: What the f***! I've got a good excuse.  
  
Mufasa: What is that?  
  
Kairi: He was all up in my face. No one messes with this sh**!  
  
Mufasa: But you've killed 15 times, well 16 now that Pluto's finally dead! Woman, get a grip! And all of them beloved Disney characters except for one! You killed the following characters: 1) White Rabbit, 2) Bambi, 3) Baloo, 4) Aladdin, 5) Pinocchio..  
  
Kairi: What the f***?! No, I didn't! I didn't kill15, well 16 characters!!! Fine, you want excuses. Here you go! 1)Too anal retentive, 2)lesbian deer, 3)fat, 4)obsessed with underpants, and 5)did weird crap with his nose!  
  
Mufasa: Bambi's not a lesbian! Bambi's a boy!  
  
Kairi: What the f***?! Whatever, it doesn't matter know; she's dead!  
  
Mufasa: What about 6)Quazimoto, 7)Mario, 8)Cinderella, 9)&10)2 of her mice, 11)Snow White, 12)Dopey.  
  
Kairi: 6)Deformed, 7)Italian, 8)too white, 9)&10)reminded me of Mickey, 11)even whiter, and 12)retarded!  
  
Mufasa: Are you some sort of racist, intolerant, cussing freak?  
  
Kairi: What the f*** did you just call me?  
  
Mufasa: Then there's 13) Pluto and both young and adult Simba!  
  
Kairi: 13) Ghetto dog tryin' to get all up in my face, and those two were really annoying!  
  
Mufasa: What!!! You killed them for being annoying, you sick demented psycho! You could have at least left one Simba alive!  
  
Kairi: Nope! Can I ask you one question Mister?  
  
Mufasa: I suppose my child.  
  
Kairi: Are you the "law" around here? I mean suppose something should happen to you; who would be in charge?  
  
Mufasa: Well, my son! But he's dead. After him would be his son, but he didn't have one, so I guess all there is left is King Mickey.  
  
Kairi: Really? Interesting.  
  
--With one quick flick of Kairi's wrist, her gun was aimed, set, and loaded.  
  
Mufasa: Oh, my God!!! You're not going to get away with this!  
  
Kairi: Oh, yes I am, and you know it.  
  
Mufasa: How did you know?  
  
Kairi: You just told me!  
  
--BANG!!!  
  
Sora: Oh, my God! They killed Mufasa!  
  
Riku: You B@ST@RDS!!!  
  
Donald: Kairi, you have a problem.  
  
Kairi: I really didn't kill all those characters. I'll admit to Pluto, Mufasa, and both Simbas, but I didn't actually kill the others.  
  
Goofy: Gawrsh, then who did?  
  
Kairi: Well, I'm not sure, but one thing's for sure: he's a racist, intolerant, homophob!  
  
Sora: So you don't go around killing gay people.  
  
Kairi: What the f***?! NO!  
  
Sora: Whew! That as close!  
  
Kairi: Huh?  
  
Sora: Nothing!!!  
  
Kairi: All I know is that I have a mission. I've been the damsel in distress way too f***in' long! I need to take care of myself. I know his motives. I know his victims. I even know where to go to find him!  
  
Sora: Find who?  
  
Kairi: The man who framed or is framing me!  
  
All: (gasp) But who?  
  
Kairi: What the f***?! I told you, I don't know who he is!  
  
Sora: But Kairi, where are you going to go to find the guy that's framing you? He could be anywhere, plus he's armed and dangerous!  
  
Kairi: So am I Sora! So am I! No body messes with this crazy @ss biatch! JIGOKU NAI!!! (trans.: hell no)  
  
Sora: Good luck, Kairi.  
  
Kairi: I'll miss you, Sora. Thank you. Thank you for everything! (pause) I'll miss you all!  
  
--Kairi bows her head. She pulls a small key from a hidden pocket in her skirt and holds it up to the sky.  
  
Riku: Not more keys! Oh, sweet Jesus! 


	4. All Is Fair in Love & War

* SCENE IV *  
  
____________________________________________________  
  
--She looks around at the sky then the ground. The sun reflecting from the key touched the ground about ten feet ahead of them. Kairi runs to the light. There, the grass is withered and dead. She pushes away dirt to discover a small trap door. It's made of wood and has rusted iron clasps.  
  
Kairi: Here it is!  
  
Riku: What, more keys?  
  
--SMACK!!!  
  
Riku: Ouch-kabibles! That really hurt.  
  
Kiari: Oops, my hand slipped.  
  
Sora: Is this were that man is hiding?  
  
Kairi: Nope, it's my own personal armory.  
  
All: Huh?  
  
Kairi: Weapons shed!  
  
All: Oh!  
  
Sora: But why?  
  
Kairi: I'm not goin' after him without pertection!  
  
Riku: Hehehe (snickers and giggles)  
  
--KICK (oh, you now where)  
  
Riku: Oh, GOD!!! What the f***! Woman! That is so frickin' out of line!  
  
Kairi: Sorry, my leg slipped.  
  
Sora: Are you okay, Riku? Do you need any help?  
  
Riku: Sorry, but I doubt that anyone can help with this!  
  
Sora: Are you sure?  
  
Riku: VERY! Now let's see if I can at least stand up. (tries to stand) Nope! Not gonna happen! Oh, Jesus, give me strength! If not strength in my special place, then at least get my legs out of shock!  
  
Kairi: Oh, stop it can't hurt that much!  
  
Donald & Goofy: Oh, yes it can!  
  
Riku: This package was imported from Japan! Handle with care, Kairi! HANDLE WITH CARE!!!! Kowareyasui! Jissai no kowareyasui! Watashi no naka de itami!!! (trans.: "Fragile! Very fragile! I'm in pain!!!")  
  
Sora: Everything is gonna be okay.  
  
--Sora helps Riku stand and pulls one of Riku's arms over his shoulder.  
  
Riku: Domo. Now make sure that b***h over there stays at least 5 feet away at all times.  
  
Kairi: What the f***?!  
  
Goofy: Gawrsh, this is getting' on my last nerve!  
  
Donald: Yeah, we've got a mission, too. We have to get back to the castle so that I can plead my wife for forgiveness...  
  
Goofy: Then I have to plead my boss for forgiveness so I can get my job back...  
  
Both: Then we have to tell Minnie that Mickey's dead and that he's gay!  
  
Kairi: There's a fork in the road ahead. I'm sure that one of the routes goes to that castle. Meanwhile, wait for me while I grab my ammo and artillery. Sora, can you give me a hand?  
  
Sora: Oh, sure. (gulp)  
  
--Sora and Kairi make their way into her armory shed. It is dark and damp. She turns a switch that lights the room with low light. Kairi sorts through some guns and chooses a sniper rifle, AK47, and (2) 9mm automatics. She sets them on a desk then turns to Sora.  
  
Kairi: I know that I've mostly been a burden, but I just want you to know that this evil, tough exterior isn't really me. Well, maybe it is. But when I'm around you, I feel gentle. Simple and clean, Sora! That's it, simple and clean is the way that you make me feel! It's so hard to let it go. Hold me, Sora, just hold me! What ever lies beyond this morning, or a little later on. Sora, the future dosen't scare me at all when I'm with you. Oh, Sora, I just want you to now that, and also that I.....I...  
  
Sora: Yes, Kairi.  
  
--She lunges forward and kisses Sora. Sora stands there frozen. Kairi holds him tighly.  
  
Kairi: (whispers) I'll never leave your side again, Sora. I'll never let you go!  
  
--A tear rushes down the side of her face.  
  
Sora: Oh, Kairi. Kairi I'm sorry.  
  
Kairi: Why?  
  
Sora: I knew this would happen.  
  
Kairi: Tell me.  
  
Sora: I hate myself for feeling this way and breaking your heart.  
  
Kairi: What the f***?  
  
Sora: I'm so sorry!  
  
Kairi: But I...I love you, Sora!  
  
Sora: I love you, too, Kairi, but I'm...  
  
Kairi: Oh, no! No, I won't listen!  
  
Sora: I didn't want to hurt you.  
  
Kairi: When did you find out; why didn't you tell me? Does anyone know?  
  
Sora: Well, besides you, there's Riku!  
  
Kairi: What the f***? You and Riku!  
  
Sora: No, no, no. Riku's not gay. He just helped me through it.  
  
Kairi: Did I do this? Did I make you this way?  
  
Sora: No, Kairi. This is no one's fault, but if it were someone's fault, it would be Mickey's!  
  
Kairi: I'm sorry. I'll be going.  
  
--She sobbs. And turns to the desk. Sora leans forward and wipes her eyes. He kisses her.  
  
Sora: Just know that I do love you. You are beautiful in every way. And if you feel alone, don't worry, so do I. You'll find someone, I know you will. You could have had Riku, but I doubt that he'll forgive you after that kick in the, well, you know. And just between you and me, you cried way less than I did when I found out.  
  
Kairi: (giggles) Thank you, Sora.  
  
--She gathers her weapons and they both leave the weapons shed. She closes it up.  
  
Riku: Oh, God, look who's back! It's the Bride of Chucky! You stay away from me and my goodie bag you whore! I hate you!  
  
Kairi: You know it could be a lot worse. (aims gun)  
  
Riku: Oh, holy crap! Woman, you're insane! First you kick me, now you want to shoot me, too! ABUSE! ABUSE! SEKUHARA!!! (trans.: sexual harassment)  
  
Kairi: There's no law that can save you now. I shot that law!  
  
Sora: No, Kairi! Don't!  
  
--Sora helps Riku up as he did before. Kairi follows Riku's (well, you know) with her gun.  
  
Riku: Stop aiming there, you twisted psycho!  
  
Kairi: Fine! I'm outta here!  
  
Sora: Wait Kairi! Let's all keep walking together until we run into that fork in the road. 


	5. Three Roads Diverge

* SCENE V *  
  
______________________________________  
  
--They all agree and travel on. After a while, they reach the fork in the road. It splits into three narrow paths. There is a sign that states:  
  
LEFT =MAGIC ROAD TO DESTINY ISLAND-(57 miles)  
  
STRAIGHT=MAGIC ROAD TO THE CASTLE-(23 miles)  
  
RIGHT=MURDERERS HIDEOUT (BAR & GRILL)-(17 miles)  
  
Goofy: Gawrsh! Well, here we are. Let's all say our good-byes, then go on our merry way. Donald and I shall be going "straight."  
  
Kairi: I'll be going the "right" way.  
  
Sora: I guess that leaves you and me, Riku. We'll just have to swing to the "left" path?  
  
Riku: I guess so, but that means that we'll be walking for over 2 days straight!  
  
Sora: Don't worry; we'll make it! I'm behind you 100%.  
  
Riku: Excuse me?  
  
--Riku and Kairi look at Sora funny, then turn away.  
  
Goofy: Goodbye everyone! See you when I see you.  
  
Donald: Bye!  
  
--They walk down the "straight" path together. After a few minutes of walking silence, Donald speaks.  
  
Donald: How the heck did he get us to go on this stupid trip anyway?  
  
Goofy: Who? Sora? Gawrsh, I don't know. What a sec! I think I remember.  
  
Donald: What?  
  
Goofy: Remember when he was desperate to find people to go on some "journey"? Then soon after, he said he gave up on the whole thing?  
  
Donald: Yeah, so?  
  
Goofy: Well, remember that he took us out for drinks to celebrate the Icelantic New Year?  
  
(Note: I mean no disrespect to anyone from Iceland. It's just the first country that came to mind. Thank you.)  
  
Donald: Yes, yes, I know! Now what's the point!  
  
Goofy: The point is that the tricked us! He never gave up on his search for recruits on the search for Kairi, he only took us out for drinks to get us drunk so we would agree to go with him, and worst of all, there is no Icelantic New Year!  
  
Donald: What? No!!! There's no such thing as an Icelantic New Year?! Darn you, Sora, darn!  
  
--Back at the fork in the road, Sora, Riku, and Kairi say their goodbyes.  
  
Kairi: Well, I guess I'll be off, to clear my name and murder a murderer.  
  
Sora: We'll be heading home...  
  
Riku: And I'll be trying to heal!  
  
Kairi: I'm sorry, Riku. I never meant to hurt you. Wait, maybe I did, but I'm sorry.  
  
--She walks toward Riku and gives him a big hug.  
  
Riku: I forgive. I forgive!  
  
Kairi: And Sora. I would just like to say thank you and good luck to you. Sora, I just want you to be happy.  
  
Sora: Likewise, good luck on your travels, Kairi.  
  
--Kairi leans forward, quickly kisses him goodbye. She starts to walk away with guns clinking against each other in their straps and holsters. Kairi then turns and waves goodbye and blows a kiss.  
  
Sora & Riku: BYE!!!! 


	6. Down the Road to the Left

* SCENE VI *  
  
_______________________________________  
  
Sora: I guess now it's just us.  
  
Riku: Yup. Well, let's go, "left."  
  
Sora: When do you think you'll be able to walk again.  
  
Riku: Pretty soon; within a half hour. By then the initial numbing will go away.  
  
--They head down their dusty trail.  
  
Riku: I was curious. Um, what happened down there in that weapons shed thingy?  
  
Sora: Huh?  
  
Riku: Did you just grab some guns and go, or did you two talk?  
  
Sora: Oh, yeah, I guess we talked a little.  
  
Riku: Just tell me what happened!  
  
Sora: Okay! She said that she truly cared about me. She even said that she loved me. She kissed me and hugged me and started to cry. I didn't know what to say, but I thought about what you told me, Riku. I told her the truth. Then she thought it was all her fault. I reassured her and made her feel confident again. That was it.  
  
Riku: Is she gonna be okay?  
  
Sora: Yes, I think so. But the question is, will you be okay? You're walkin' pretty funny there.  
  
Riku: No, I'm fine. You know, you don't have to do this. I don't want to be a burden to you.  
  
Sora: Trust me, Riku. You're not. What are...friends for if they can't help each other out? Am I right? And you've helped me out more today than anyone else.  
  
Riku: Really? Thank you. That's very nice of you to say. You know, it's kinda funny!  
  
Sora: What?  
  
Riku: Well, it's kinda funny that you're gay and yet you got kissed twice today by Kairi.  
  
Sora: Four times if you count the kiss she blew and...  
  
Riku: And what? Explain Mister.  
  
Sora: Nothing. I just kinda kissed her that's all.  
  
Riku: What?  
  
Sora: Are you mad?  
  
Riku: No, no. I guess not.  
  
Sora: Are you jealous?  
  
Riku: What's that suppose to mean?  
  
Sora: Sorry, drop it.  
  
--They continue to walk, bringing happy memories on the island and of their travels. It starts to get dark.  
  
Riku: Remember that one time?  
  
Sora: Oh, yeah! That was funny!  
  
Riku: Hey, it's getting pretty dark!  
  
Sora: We should probably get some rest!  
  
--They both reach into their pockets and pull out a "Pocket Travel Sleeping Bag©."  
  
Riku: Crap! These things are tiny!  
  
Sora: They're not that bad! What else can we do?  
  
Riku: I guess we could put them together.  
  
Sora: That would work. I promise that I won't act weird or anything.  
  
Riku: I trust you. (under breath) Sort of.  
  
--They shared the sleeping bags and slept through the night. However, both had many weird dreams... 


	7. What Dreams May Come

* SCENE VII *  
  
____________________________________  
  
DREAM # 1 (RIKU)  
  
--Riku sees himself as a cat. A little gray cat named "Kitty". His owner was a fat kid who wears a red jacket and a light blue beanie with yellow trim. "Meow," Neko-Riku would beg. The fat kid would always eat food and never feed the kitty. "No, Kitty!" He would scream. Neko-Riku always was hungry, so he'd meow and then, "No, Kitty! This is my CheeseyPoof chili dog!" His mother would tell him not to be mean to the kitty, but Eric Cartman didn't care. "No, Kitty! That's a bad Kitty!" Neko-Riku planned to kill the fat boy, but decided to kill Kenny instead.  
  
(NOTE: To any South Park fans reading, I know that Kenny's dead for good, sort of. The reference was so that others could relate to the joke and to pace comedic timing. No one would have gotten it if I had said, Butters! No matter, please continue reading. Domo.)  
  
(NOTE FOR THE NOTE ABOVE: I wrote this chapter a long time ago, when Kenny was actually dead dead. He's alive again, so nevermind. Domo.)  
  
DREAM # 2 (SORA)  
  
--Sora wakes up in the middle of a dark alley. "HELLO?" he calls out into the night. Darkness fills his mind and shadows circle him. "You are who?" Shadow1 calls. "The chosen one, he must be!" Shadow2 says. "Why are you talking backwards?" Sora asks.  
  
"Our speech, he notices!" Shadow1 exclaims. "As it is written, the chosen one, sacrificed, must be!" High Priest Shadow says. The Shadow Cult takes Sora off to an island full of dwarves wearing little white suits, screaming "the plane, the plane!" "NO! Please, don't!" he cries. They take him to a platform, strap him to it, and ready the slow pouring molten lava tank. "Die, you will, now!" says the High Priest. "ficeSacra! ficeSacra! ficeSacra!" the cult screams! Sora screams for mercy, but to no avail. All of a sudden, Indiana Riku swings out on a vine, with a rose in one hand a bazooka in the other. He releases Sora, hands him the rose, swings him to safety, blows up the lava tank so that it kills the cult, and says, "Are you alright, my sunshine?" Sora replies, "Yes, know that you've rescued me." Lights dim. Dream over.  
  
DREAM # 3 (RIKU)  
  
--Riku stands on a quiet hill, alone. The wind blows through the distant trees making the broken leaves dance on the air's wing. His hair, strands of white like the hair of unicorns, ebb and flow like a foamy sea. "Echo!" he calls out to the land. Nature replies not. Alone, he stands; alone, no more. Behind him, Sora, walks to the top of the hill. "Riku, why are you standing alone?" says Sora. "I'm not sure. It's like Destiny calls me here to seal my fate. Destiny. She has told me that you would come. Now you're here with me, Sora. Why does Destiny call you?" Riku replied. Sora clenches his hands, knowing what he's there for, knowing why he came. Hoping that Destiny was on his side bringing Riku there. "Riku, if you believe in Destiny, then you must believe that Destinies are meant to intertwine. Maybe that is why you are here, Riku. And maybe that is why I've found you." replied Sora. Sora approaches him slowly and...  
  
Riku: (waking up from dream at a halt) Ahhhhhhh!!!! Good God! Sweet, Jesus! What was that all about? Sekuhara! Sekuhara! (trans.-sexual harassment! Sexual harassment!)  
  
Sora: Are you okay? You seem a little on edge.  
  
Riku: Just had a bad dream, that's all. Maybe it was something I ate.  
  
DREAM # 4 (SORA)  
  
--Sora sees Riku lying wounded on a dusty hill. He runs to him. "Riku, my love, are you alright?" He turns onto his back and coughs, gasping for air. "Sora, is that you?" "Yes, Riku, don't worry. I'm here for you and we are going to get through this together." "Really, Sora? Thank you. (cough) You're so good to me." Sora picks up Riku and takes him to their home. He tends to Riku's wounds while he rests on the bed. "How are you feeling?" "Okay, I guess. Better now that you're here. Thank you for taking care of me Sora. I love you." "I love you too, Riku." Sora leans down to the bed and kisses him. "Sora....Sora....."  
  
Riku: SORA! SORA! Wake up.  
  
Sora: (waking up) What. Huh? Riku. Oh, whoa. That was a weird dream.  
  
Riku: Yes that's fine and dandy, but can you do me a favor?  
  
Sora: Anything for you Riku.  
  
Riku: Could you please remove your arm from my waste? I don't like being held while I sleep, domo.  
  
Sora: Sorry 'bout that. (moves arm)  
  
--They sleep through the rest of the night, peacefully. Morning dawns and they wake up. 


	8. Jerky Fight!

* SCENE VIII *  
  
________________________________________  
  
Riku: I am never gonna dream again.  
  
Sora: Why not Riku?  
  
Riku: Nothing. I'm hungry.  
  
Sora: Well, I've got some beef jerky in my pocket.  
  
Riku: Gimmie some!  
  
Sora: I don't have that much, but I guess...  
  
--Riku lunges toward Sora, tackling him to the ground. Riku pins him to the ground and tugs at his pockets.  
  
Sora: What are you doing?  
  
Riku: I'm hungry, and when I'm hungry I get what I want.  
  
Sora: You're kinda hurting me, Riku.  
  
Riku: Where's the stuff?  
  
--Sora kicks Riku and pulls him down to the ground with him. Sora flips around and pins Riku.  
  
Sora: Calm down. You can have some.  
  
Riku: You tryin' to fight me, boy?  
  
Sora: NO!  
  
--Riku shoves Sora and pushes him over a small hill. He rolls down and hits his head. Riku stops for a second, worried, then Sora holds up the bag of jerky.  
  
Sora: Come and get it, Pretty Boy!  
  
--Riku charges down the hill only to be tripped by Sora. He falls flat on his face then quickly flips over. Sora stands over him holding his foot menacingly over Riku's (special place).  
  
Riku: You wouldn't!  
  
Sora: I would. This is my jerky. I'm hungry too ya know!  
  
KICK!-BLOCK!  
  
KICK!-BLOCK!  
  
KICK!-MISS!  
  
Riku: Oh, sweet Jesus!  
  
Sora: Hahahaha! Riku. Riku are you okay?  
  
--Riku lay there on the hill "wounded."  
  
Sora: It's just like my dream. Riku, are you all right my...friend.  
  
Riku: No, you baka! You just kicked me in the nuts!  
  
Sora: You're not supposed to say that.  
  
Riku: Well, I did ya retard! Two days in a-frickin'-row! This is sad! Pain rushes downward! The pain! The pain! Thanks a lot. You probably broke it! Well, I never liked kids anyway! I'm sorry down there, my friends. Are you okay?  
  
Sora: Riku, I'm truly sorry! I don't know what got into me. I didn't mean any harm.  
  
Riku: Well, ya did! Ouch! Ouch!  
  
Sora: Here, let me help you.  
  
--Sora gently picks Riku off the ground.  
  
Sora: I'll carry you the rest of the way home and when we get there I'll by you dinner, okay.  
  
Riku: Okay. But one more thing.  
  
Sora: Yes, Riku. (waiting in anticipation)  
  
Riku: Can I have some jerky?  
  
Sora: Oh, fine! Take the damn thing!  
  
Riku: Domo. 


	9. The Magical Bridge

* SCENE IX *  
  
__________________________________________  
  
--They walk for miles and begin to see a magical bridge. Fog surrounds them in a blanket of clouds. The bridge seems long and infinite. At it's foot, stands a small troll in a uniform. He holds a walkie-talkie and wears thick sunglasses.  
  
Sora: Hello. Excuse me? Is this the way to Destiny Island?  
  
Border Troll: Excuse me? Well, excuse you! Sa', don't mess 'round her'.  
  
Riku: Huh?  
  
Sora: He said: "Sir, don't mess around here."  
  
Riku: Oh.  
  
Border Troll: OK, what you want, sa'  
  
Sora: Just to know if that's the way to Destiny Island and to pass through here safely.  
  
Border Troll: Alrigh' sa,'ten dollas.'  
  
Sora: Ten dollars? We don't have ten dollars!  
  
Riku: I have a hundred yen.  
  
Sora: That doesn't help! You know, you are overly Japanese, Riku. You scream in Japanese, you carry yen; the list goes on. The only thing you don't have is the accent. And don't start.  
  
Riku: I am hurt, Sora. That really hurts.  
  
Border Troll: Now is this a borda' or a soap opra'?  
  
Sora: What happened to munny, man? Well, all we have with us is some jerky and a 100 yen.  
  
Border Troll: Jerky, huh?  
  
Riku: No! Don't do it!  
  
Sora: It's the only way, Riku. Here's the jerky, sir.  
  
Border Troll: MMMmmmm!  
  
--The border troll opens the gate and lets them pass.  
  
Border Troll: Just rememba' this, sa!' There's a fork in the road with no sign! Go to the left!  
  
Riku: Where does the other path lead?  
  
Border Troll: To Angel Island, sa!'  
  
--They started along the bridge. It was endless to the eye. All of a sudden, a streak of red passed by them and stopped right in front of them. A weird theme song starts to play in the background. It's fake rap from a video game.  
  
Knuckles: Hey, you! Tell me which way I turn at the fork in the road!  
  
Riku: Huh? You're Knuckles the Echidna from Sonic Adventure!  
  
Knuckles: Yeah, I know! Blah, blah, blah, Dreamcast RULES, blah, blah, blah, I love you, blah, blah, blah, can I have an autograph, blah, blah, blah, NO!  
  
Sora: Someone's grumpy.  
  
Knuckles: Shut up before I punch out your lights! Now, which way do I turn?!  
  
Riku: Left! Jesus, man calm down! What's the hurry?  
  
Knuckles: I hopped over the border troll back there.  
  
Sora: Oh.  
  
--Knuckles jumps high into the air. He's spins then soars to the end of the bridge.  
  
Sora: Wait a sec, Riku! We can glide too!  
  
Riku: Oh, yeah!  
  
--They both jump in the air glide to the other side. They turn left at the fork in the road and proceed to the island. 


	10. Hurricane Conan O'Brien Meets Destiny Is...

* SCENE X *  
  
______________________________________  
  
--Once they reach the island, they notice it in shambles. Houses are torn apart and children sit in the sand crying.  
  
Paper Boy: EXTRA! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT! MASSIVE HURRICANE DESTROYS DESTINY ISLAND! MANY LEFT DEAD AND INJURED. HURRICANE CONAN TAKES 49 LIVES. READ OBITUARIES FOR DETAILS!  
  
Riku: Here's a hundred yen. Gimmie a paper! (shuffles through paper to the obituaries) Oh, God! Sora, I don't know what to say.  
  
Sora: Riku, what's wrong? Is there something you're not telling me?  
  
Riku: I don't know how to tell you this, but your parents...are dead.  
  
Sora: What? Let me see! (grabs paper) Oh, my God! They are dead! My mom, and my dad! Nooooooooooooooo! My sister! Huh? My sister? I had a sister? NOOOOOO!!!!!  
  
Riku: No, you tard! That's just some girl with the same last name.  
  
Sora: Oh, no! Riku! Did you see this?  
  
Riku: What?  
  
Sora: Your parents. They are both dead!  
  
Riku: Oh, yeah, I skimmed over that section. I kinda forgot about them. Oh, well. You win some you lose some.  
  
Sora: Don't you care! They were your parents!  
  
Riku: Parents-shmerants! I told you before; I'm evil! Oh, yeah, one more thing.  
  
Sora: What now?  
  
Riku: On the front page it says that all your property was destroyed.  
  
Sora: What? My home?  
  
Riku: Yeah. You can stay with me at my tricked out pad. PS2, XBOX, Dreamcast, and that crappy Game Cube, I've got it all.  
  
Sora: Okay, but do you have a shower and a clean change of clothes?  
  
Riku: Of course.  
  
Sora: Well, let's get cleaned up and go to the Olive Garden. I promised you dinner, remember?  
  
Riku: Of course.  
  
Sora: Tomorrow we can go shopping so I'll have my own clothes.  
  
Riku: Of course. And we can sell all my parents' clothes for extra money.  
  
--They walk to Riku's house and notice that something's missing.  
  
Riku: My room's gone! At least all the video games are in the "party room."  
  
Sora: Well, let's go in.  
  
--They enter Riku's tricked out pad. Sora walks to the bathroom and immediately takes a shower. Riku, not knowing where Sora went, goes upstairs and cleans up his parents' room. He gets out a fresh pair of pants and underwear.  
  
Riku: Sora? Sora, where are you? Oh, well.  
  
--Riku walks downstairs to the bathroom to take a shower and.....  
  
Riku: Oh, Jesus Christ! Why didn't you tell me you were in here!  
  
Sora: Oh, God! I'm sorry! I'm getting out and getting dressed right now! Sorry! Sorry!  
  
--Riku turns and runs out of the room. Sora quickly gets dries off and calls for Riku.  
  
Sora: Riku, I need a change of cloths.  
  
--Riku tosses some cloths into the bathroom. Sora changes and leaves the bathroom. Riku takes his shower then puts on his fresh undies and pants. He exits the bathroom.  
  
Sora: (Putting on shoes) Um, I just want to say sorry Riku and...  
  
Riku: Don't worry about it. It's just a simple mistake. I am a mature young man. I even dabble in art. It's completely in the past.  
  
Sora: Really?  
  
Riku: Really, really.  
  
Sora: Thanks.  
  
--Riku looks through a wardrobe and pulls out a red shirt and some socks. Sora, finally relieved of his embarrassment, looks over at Riku. He notices that he has no shirt and looks away. The embarrassment returns. However, the feelings he wasn't sure about for Riku were beginning to surface. Riku buttons his red shirt and puts on his socks. He grabs some black boots and combs his hair. For a finishing touch, he pulls on a long black coat.  
  
Riku: Are you ready, Sora?  
  
Sora: Um, just a sec. (staring at the very sexy looking Riku) Okay. Let's go.  
  
Riku: So where are you taking me?  
  
Sora: To the Olive Garden.  
  
Riku: Oh, yeah. 


	11. A Romantic Night at the Olive Garden

* SCENE XI *  
  
_________________________________________  
  
--They walked a few blocks to the Olive Garden. When they get there, they sit at a booth near the back.  
  
Riku: Thanks, for dinner.  
  
Sora: No problem, I owed you one.  
  
Riku: Actually, I owe you. You saved be from Kingdom Hearts, helped me walk when I couldn't...  
  
Sora: But you gave me somewhere to stay. Plus I did kinda kick you.  
  
Riku: Don't remind me.  
  
Waitress: So, boys, what will you be having?  
  
Riku: I'll have the Seafood Alfredo and a GUN TO KILL YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE IN THIS F***IN' RESTAURANT! Ha, ha, ha. No, I'm just kidding. I'll the Seafood Alfredo and a Dr. Pepper®.  
  
Waitress: Oh, okay.....and what will you be having sir?  
  
Sora: I'll just have the Chicken Parmisana and a Lemonade.  
  
Waitress: I'll be back with your orders shortly. (leaves)  
  
Sora: What the hell was that? Riku, are you okay?  
  
Riku: Of course, I'm fine. Just letting off some old steam. I'm okay. Well, anyway, sorry about the fight back there with the jerky.  
  
Sora: It's all in the past. This is nice; dinner with a...friend.  
  
Riku: Why the long pause?  
  
Sora: I don't know.  
  
Riku: So...what do you want to talk about? We've got a good 20 minutes before our dinner comes.  
  
Sora: Yeah, well...um.....so what are we gonna do after dinner?  
  
Riku: Huh? Um, well, we can play PS2 and watch some movies. I got some new DVD's. We can watch something like...like The Matrix.  
  
Sora: Let me guess, cuz' you're an idiot and you're my boyfriend?  
  
Riku: You like that song too? Cool. I didn't think you'd get the joke.  
  
Sora: (thinks: "If only it were true, Riku. If only you were my...")  
  
Riku: Hello? Destiny Island to Sora?  
  
Sora: Huh? Sorry. My mind drifted. Um, PS2 and the Matrix; sounds fun.  
  
--As they sit there, the awkward pauses go on. The waitress returns with their dishes.  
  
Waitress: Here you go, and here you go. I hope you enjoy.  
  
Sora: Thank you.  
  
Riku: Domo.  
  
--They eat quickly and both put their leftovers in "doggy bags". Sora pays, they leave, and start to walk home.  
  
Riku: Domo arigato, Sora.  
  
Sora: You're welcome. I'm glad you liked it. It makes me happy.  
  
Riku: Huh? What makes you happy?  
  
Sora: To see y...other people happy.  
  
Riku: I really think there's something you're not telling me Sora. You seem like you're covering up your original thoughts with other words. Does this have anything to do with what happened the other day? Do you think that I'm going to judge you, or something? I'm your friend Sora. Tell me, what are you hiding?  
  
Sora: (sarcastically) You see right through me Riku. I'm fine. Don't worry. So what game are we gonna play first?  
  
Riku: Um, how about The Sims?  
  
Sora: Sure.  
  
--Once they get home, they go to the "party room" and start to play the Sims on PS2. 


	12. The Truth Comes Out

* SCENE XII *  
  
_________________________________________  
  
Sora: What the hell! They limit your use of cool crap in your house and walls and windows and everything!  
  
Riku: Yeah, I know!  
  
Sora: That blows! Um...I mean that sucks! Um...I mean that stinks. (relief) Good save.  
  
Riku: Okay, that was weird. Let's play something else. How 'bout some DDR?  
  
Sora: Sure.  
  
--Riku pulls out the DDR dance pads and slides DDR: Konamix in the PS2.  
  
Riku: You know how to play, right?  
  
Sora: Yeah.  
  
--Both jump on a mat.  
  
Riku: First we dance to ".59" then "Higher" then "Groove" then "Dive" then "Dynamite Rave" then "Drop the Bomb" then "End of the Century" then "Look to the Sky" after that warm up, we'll go on to the hard stuff.  
  
Sora: Huh? You must be really good.  
  
Riku: Nah, it's been like a year since I've been able to play. I'm a little rusty.  
  
Sora: Okay.  
  
Riku: Well, after those songs, we can dance to "Drop Out", "Wild Rush" and "La Senorita Virtual."  
  
Sora: Okay, then can we play Jet Set Radio Future on the Xbox?  
  
Riku: Sure.  
  
--They start to dance. Riku's a true pro. Sora suffers from frustration but starts to catch on.  
  
Sora: DDR Max is better.  
  
Riku: Whatever.  
  
--After the warm up, both are very tired. Riku grabs two Dr. Pepper's from his Mini-Fridge and tosses one to Sora.  
  
Riku: Kami-sama no ai! It's getting hot in herre. (trans.: For the love of god!)  
  
Sora: (singing) So take off all your clothes!  
  
Riku: Um, no. I was gonna take off my shirt though. Do you mind?  
  
Sora: Uh...um, no. I don't mind.  
  
--Riku takes off his shirt and throws it in a corner.  
  
Riku: So shall we dance?  
  
Sora: Um, I need to cool down. Let's play Jet Set Radio Future!  
  
Riku: Okay.  
  
--Riku gets out the XBOX and they play Jet Set Radio Future for an hour or so.  
  
Sora: That was fun. So...now what?  
  
Riku: Um, I know let's listen to some music.  
  
Sora: Let me guess, J-Pop. (trans.: Japanese Pop Music)  
  
Riku: Yes, and K-Pop. (trans.: Korean Pop Music)  
  
Sora: Let me guess, BoA, Mina, and Park Ji Yoon?  
  
Riku: Watashi no, kami-sama! You know me well! (trans.: My god!)  
  
Sora: Yeah, I know.  
  
Riku: Those three women are so f***in' hot!!! BoA's the soft innocent one, Mina's the sporty voluptuous one, and Park Ji Yoon's the ever-changing mysterious one. They are beautiful! (drools) Mmmmm...  
  
Sora: Yeah, okay. I don't really care, but their music is really good.  
  
Riku: Oh, come on. Tell me.  
  
Sora: Tell you what?  
  
Riku: I see right through it!  
  
Sora: You do?  
  
Riku: Yup! You're even blushing!  
  
Sora: I am?  
  
Riku: Uh huh. Just admit it, Sora.  
  
Sora: But...but I'm not so sure if it's right.  
  
Riku: Is it cause you're gay?  
  
Sora: Huh?  
  
Riku: You don't want to say?  
  
Sora: Um, well.  
  
Riku: You think it's weird or something?  
  
Sora: Well, it might get weird.  
  
Riku: Come on, just admit it!  
  
Sora: But...but I don't know if I should.  
  
Riku: Oh, come on.  
  
Sora: You won't be mad?  
  
Riku: No! Why would I be? Maybe a little jealous...  
  
Sora: What?  
  
Riku: Come on! Now don't lie to me!  
  
Sora: Um...  
  
Riku: Just admit it! Don't get all nervous. I feel the same way too.  
  
Sora: What? Really you do? Oh, Riku! You don't know how good that makes me feel. All of these emotions in my heart that I can finally live up to! Oh, Riku! Riku I love...  
  
Riku: (grabs Sora and hugs him) I'm so frickin' happy!  
  
Sora: Oh, Riku! Me too! Me too!  
  
Riku: I'm not the only one who loves BoA, Mina, and Park Ji Yoon with such a passion!  
  
Sora: What the f***!? You were talking about them! I thought...  
  
Riku: You thought what?  
  
Sora: Oh, um...oh, nothing...  
  
Riku: Well, let's listen to some music.  
  
Sora: Um, Riku, I'm not up to it right now. I'm kinda tired and a little depressed.  
  
Riku: Oh, sorry, is it something I said?  
  
Sora: Well, yes, but I'm just sleepy.  
  
Riku: Okay, we shall retire. Um...  
  
Sora: Um what?  
  
Riku: So...what's the...the sleeping arrangement?  
  
Sora: Huh? Um...(gulps) Riku, you make the arrangements.  
  
Riku: Uh, okay. (thinks and scratches chin)  
  
Sora: (thinks: "Oh, Riku. If only, if only...if only you really did feel the same way about me that I feel about you. If only you knew and understood. Riku...")  
  
Riku: Well...  
  
Sora: Listen, you take your parents bed and I'll sleep on the floor.  
  
Riku: On the floor? Where on the floor? There's no room in the "party room," and everywhere else is wood paneled flooring.  
  
Sora: There's carpet in the side hallway.  
  
Riku: But that's where my room opened to. That part of the house is open to the world. You'd frickin' freeze to death! You're my guest, Sora. I want you to be comfortable. You are not sleeping in that hallway!  
  
Sora: Okay, then what about that wood floor you were talking about.  
  
Riku: No.  
  
Sora: Fine, I'll sleep on the floor in your parents' room.  
  
Riku: 'My' room Sora. They're dead now. It's my room now.  
  
Sora: Fine, your room.  
  
Riku: Still, I don't agree. You're my guest, and no matter how evil I am, I shall always treat my guests with the up most respect and courtesy. You sleep in my bed...  
  
Sora: (thinks: "Yes!!!! Oh, Riku, you do care!")  
  
Riku: ...and I'll sleep on the floor.  
  
Sora: (thinks: "DAMN!") Um, but Riku...this arrangement is going to last for a while. On the floor every night! That can't be good for you. I don't want to be a burden!  
  
Riku: You're babbling. Now I think we are both avoiding the obvious third choice.  
  
Sora: Um...  
  
Riku: We can both have it our way and both sleep on the floor or in the bed.  
  
Sora: Yes, well...  
  
Riku: We shared the sleeping bags with only one mishap. A bed won't be that different. We must be mature, that's for sure.  
  
Sora: And ignoring the fact that...  
  
Riku: Yes, I know. You're gay.  
  
Sora: Well, maybe you were wrong all along!  
  
Riku: You do love BoA, Mina, and Park Ji Yoon. But how can we be sure? How will we know? I know! When Kairi kissed you, did you get all weird tingles inside your body that resemble 'the chills' when you're sick?  
  
Sora: Huh? Um, I don't remember.  
  
Riku: Damn. I don't know how to be sure then.  
  
Sora: Well, I have an idea.  
  
Riku: What?  
  
Sora: Um, nevermind.  
  
Riku: That's cruel! Tell me!  
  
Sora: It's inappropriate and out of line, but it would work.  
  
Riku: What?  
  
Sora: Well, if someone else were to kiss me then I'd know how I felt inside. And I'd be able to determine if I'm gay.  
  
Riku: Who?  
  
Sora: Well, who's here?  
  
Riku: Well, I'm the only other person herr...um, you want me to kiss you?  
  
Sora: I didn't mean it like that. It's just for experimental purposes.  
  
Riku: Oh...well, I guess it's okay. We'll finally know whether or not you are, ya know.  
  
Sora: You don't have to.  
  
Riku: How else will you know? For you Sora. I'll do it to get you out of your "confusion."  
  
Sora: Um, okay. Go ahead. Experiment # 1.  
  
Riku: No. How 'bout Operation: DSS.  
  
Sora: Huh?  
  
Riku: Operation: Determining Sora's Sexuality.  
  
Sora: That's pretty good. (laughs)  
  
Riku: (laughs) Okay. (clears throat) Let's get this over with. Now this is just to end your confusion, right.  
  
Sora: Yes.  
  
Riku: Okay. Ready.  
  
Sora: Ready.  
  
--Sora stands there completely frozen with his eyes tightly shut. Riku clears his throat again and psyches himself out. He walks to Sora and places his hands on his shoulders.  
  
--Sora, frozen, waits in anticipation. Riku leans forward. Slowly, he kisses Sora. After about five seconds, Riku's eye's spring open. He slowly backs away (still holding Sora's shoulders), just as gently as he had gotten there. Sora gradually opens his eyes, smiling.  
  
Riku: Well...so...do you know now?  
  
Sora: Um, Riku. There's something I think I should tell you.  
  
Riku: What is it Sora?  
  
Sora: Um, well, I think it should wait 'til morning.  
  
Riku: So...so do you know?  
  
Sora: Um, I'm not sure. Um, Riku, can we talk tomorrow? This is too much for today. It's almost midnight. I need to sleep.  
  
Riku: You choose, Sora. Bed or floor?  
  
Sora: Because of the comfort...I choose the bed.  
  
Riku: Okay, then.  
  
--Riku, realizing that he is still holding Sora's shoulders, releases him and turns to the stairs. They walk into the bedroom. Riku opens his dresser and tosses Sora some pajama pants and a T-Shirt. He grabs some pajama pants for himself. Sora walks down to the bathroom to change while Riku stays upstairs. After they both are in their pajamas...  
  
Riku: Okay, which side do you want?  
  
Sora: Well, left.  
  
Riku: Why?  
  
Sora: Ah, no reason. You take the right. R for right and R for Riku.  
  
Riku: Okay.  
  
--They go to their assigned sides. A tear goes down Sora's cheek. He tries to hide it, but Riku sees.  
  
Riku: Okay, Sora. You've been hiding something from me for a long time now. I have a feeling that it's bothering you and that it has been bothering you.  
  
Sora: (sniffs) No! Riku, no, I won't tell.  
  
Riku: Why not?!  
  
Sora: You don't want to know!!!  
  
Riku: Tell me!  
  
Sora: No!  
  
Riku: Tell me!  
  
Sora: I can't just say it, Riku! It's more than you can understand!  
  
Riku: I want to help you! Tell me!  
  
Sora: NO!!! And that kiss didn't help!  
  
Riku: Don't call it that! It was just an experiment!  
  
Sora: Fine. If that was an experiment than...this is a kiss. (grabs Riku's face and pulls it toward his-he kisses him)  
  
Riku: (frozen) S...s...sora?  
  
Sora: You want to know what's bothering me? There you go! I love you Riku.  
  
Riku: As a what?  
  
Sora: As in 'I love you'. Aishiteru! (trans.: "I love you -or- I'm in love with you")  
  
Riku: (shocked) Sora, I don't know what to say.  
  
Sora: Have you ever loved someone who you knew would never return that love, but you kept on loving them anyway?  
  
Riku: I used to love Kairi. But now, I don't care too much for her.  
  
Sora: She could have been mine, but I had to go and be like this. Now I'll be alone forever.  
  
Riku: No. You'll find someone.  
  
Sora: Unless that someone is you, I don't want them.  
  
Riku: That's truly sweet, but...  
  
Sora: I know. You aren't 'gay.'  
  
Riku: Don't get all sad, now. Maybe if you're lucky, I'll turn out gay too.  
  
Sora: (angrily) It's not just something you catch.  
  
Riku: I know. I was just trying to make you feel better.  
  
Sora: Well, it doesn't help! I'm sorry. Good night.  
  
Riku: Night.  
  
--They both fall asleep, Sora first, with tears down his cheeks. 


	13. Donald's Last Resort

* SCENE XIII *  
  
______________________________________  
  
--MEANWHILE-AT THE CASTLE...  
  
Goofy: Please!!! Boss, please! I need my job back. I still have the same acting talent and we need to keep those bad drivers off the streets by teaching the kids early.  
  
Boss: I don't give a crusty crap! You haven't been here for a year and you want your job back now? Hell NO! Do you realize that we have lost over 3 billion dollars because of you? I could sue you, but I'm too nice for that. Now get the hell out of my sight before I change my mind.  
  
Goofy: FINE! Goodbye! (leaves office)  
  
Donald: So...how'd it go?  
  
Goofy: Oh, great! I just lost my job!  
  
Donald: Oh, sorry. That sucks. Listen you can work at the KFC down the street. They're hiring.  
  
Goofy: KFC, Donald? KFC!!! I've been in numerous animated features, video games, theme parks, and not to mention Dance Dance Revolution Disney Mix. I am not gonna work at freaking KFC!!!!!  
  
Donald: Sorry, just a suggestion, but without an income you're gonna loose you house, so you might as well get a job, 'cause you ain't crashin' with me!  
  
Goofy: Just for that I hope Daisy kicks you out of the house and marries her personal trainer!  
  
Donald: Jigga-what? She has a personal trainer?  
  
Goofy: Duh! You know, Franz?  
  
--They walk to Donald's house to plead for Daisy's forgiveness. As they enter the living room and turn into the hallway, sounds can be heard coming from (you guessed it) the bedroom!  
  
Donald: OH MY GOD!!! (flings open the door) Daisy! How could you! Is that Franz?  
  
Daisy: Franz? Hell no. Franz is Fridays. This is William. He's a champion horseback rider.  
  
William: (in British accent) Hello, old chap.  
  
Goofy: (under breath) Seems like that's not the only thing he's ridin'!  
  
Donald: JESUS! DAISY! How could you?  
  
Daisy: Shoot, I thought you ran out on me. So I started going to clubs, meeting men...so now I have a man for everyday of the week, except for Saturday. That's my yoga day.  
  
Goofy: Gawrsh, this is awkward.  
  
William: Did you ever notice that the word awkward is quite awkward?  
  
Donald: Shut up ya, Douche!  
  
William: Well, I never!  
  
Donald: I can't take this anymore; I'm leaving! (grabs his suitcase w/ is magically packed and leaves) "Hey, it's Disney."  
  
--They continue down the street.  
  
Goofy: So, where are we going now?  
  
Donald: To KFC! I'M GETTING' ME A JOB!  
  
Goofy: What the fyuck?! NO! Don't give up.  
  
Donald: Nether of us have a job or a place to live.  
  
Goofy: Well, we haven't checked my house yet.  
  
Donald: We have bad luck dumbass! You have no house. We might as well double homicide and get all this over with.  
  
Goofy: NO!!!  
  
Donald: Fine. Suicide's fine with me. It's not like I was goin' to heaven anyway. Not after that whole incident in Peru. No amount of soup can clean that feeling off your naughty parts.  
  
Goofy: Jesus! That was way more information than I needed to know!  
  
Donald: (pulls out mage wand) I've made my decision. I am going...to kill myself.  
  
Goofy: What the f***!?!?! Donald, NO! Don't do it!  
  
Donald: Hmmm...let's see. Which spell should I cast?  
  
Goofy: How's about you just beat yourself over the head with that thing until you pass out. Then I'll take you to a mental institution and you can live there for free.  
  
Donald: How about NO, Goofy. I'm doing this. Let's see. I need a tub.  
  
Goofy: A tub? A tub of what?  
  
Donald: Like a bathtub. You haven't been kicked out of your house yet, right? Let's use that one.  
  
Goofy: What do you mean "let's"? Are you gay too? Hell NO!  
  
Donald: No, no, no. I'm going to use it to die.  
  
Goofy: NO!  
  
Donald: Listen. You get everything in my will. (pulls a scroll from his suitcase)  
  
Goofy: Huh? When did you write that?  
  
Donald: Don't worry. It's Disney. Don't ask questions. Anyway. Let's go to your house. I'll kill myself. Look I even have my suicide note. (pulls out another scroll)  
  
Goofy: But when did you...  
  
Donald: Again...it's Disney magic. Don't ask. Let's go.  
  
Goofy: Hold on now. What about your funeral?  
  
Donald: Oh, here, read this. (pulls out yet another scroll)  
  
Goofy: Yeah, I know. Disney. Okay. (reads) "My Funeral"-nice title.  
  
Donald: Thank you.  
  
Goofy: "I want you to invite everyone I care about and hate. I want a huge casket with chains and graffiti all over it. Here's the cool part. My body won't be in the casket. It will be secured in a hatch in the ceiling above the casket. Then once everyone is there, I want someone to lock the doors. Techno music will flare out and laser lights will flash out all over the room. And pyro-technics! Then my body will be lowered from the ceiling hanging from strings wearing flashy clothes." What the hell are you on, Donald?  
  
Donald: Jigga-what? What kind of question is that? These are my wishes, Goofy. And if you don't want to...  
  
Goofy: You aren't even dead yet!  
  
Donald: Well I'm gonna be! 


	14. NEW Tropical SPRITE Remix TM

* SCENE XIV *  
  
___________________________  
  
MEANWHILE AT THE MURDERERS' HIDEOUT (BAR 'N' GRILL)...  
  
--Kairi sits at the barside of the bar and grill. Two men are sitting to either side of her. They all have a plate of barbeque baby back ribs and a bottle of Sprite Remix.  
  
Kairi: (takes a sip of her Sprite Remix ) Wow! This stuff is f***in' awesome.  
  
James the Murderer: Yeah, I know! How do you think they make NEW TROPICAL SPRITE REMIX so tropical?  
  
Dave the Rapist: I don't know! Sprite Remix is just so...so...  
  
Kairi: Awesome?  
  
Dave: Yeah!  
  
All: It's sooo awesome!  
  
Knuckles the Echidna: (from a table aside from them) What's so goddamned awesome?  
  
All: (turn around on their barstools holding out their Sprite Remix's with labels outward) Sprite Remix is what's awesome.  
  
Billy The Child Molester: (walks in) Hey guys! You got anymore Sprite Remix?  
  
Dave: Of course Billy! (tosses a Remix to Billy [all in slow-mo])  
  
Billy: Thanks! (in slow-mo, he twists off the cap and takes a drink) Ahhh...refreshing!  
  
Kairi: It's the drink that never stops satisfying your thirst, every time you drink it.  
  
Knuckles: What's so great about new Tropical Sprite Remix?  
  
Kairi: You mean what's not great about it!? NOTHING! It's true perfection!  
  
Knuckles: Well, what's it taste like?  
  
Billy: (taking another drink) Well, first you taste just regular old Sprite.  
  
Knuckles: Ewww.  
  
Kairi: Yeah, I know.  
  
Billy: Then, all of a sudden, a rush of flavor explodes in your mouth. It's almost...almost...  
  
Kairi: Orgasmic!  
  
Billy: Like touching a little boy.  
  
Dave: Or like raping an innocent girl.  
  
James: Or like killing random Disney characters.  
  
Knuckles: Wow! Can I try?  
  
Kairi: What a sec! What did you say?  
  
Knuckles: Me?  
  
Kairi: No, you! (points at James)  
  
James: Me?  
  
Kairi: Yes you! Who the f*** do you think you are?!  
  
James: Huh?  
  
Kairi: You f***in' bastard! You framed me! You framed me for, almost, all of your murders!  
  
James: Huh? No I didn't. I sent no blame to anyone. Well...  
  
Kairi: Well, what?!  
  
James: When I murder random Disney characters, I like to wear a short red wig and a pink skirt.  
  
Kairi: With a white T-Shirt?  
  
James: As a matter of fact, yes.  
  
Kairi: Well, that settles that. I guess Mufasa had it all wrong.  
  
Knuckles: Can I have my Sprite Remix now?  
  
Kairi: Oh, sorry. Of course you can. (hands a Remix to Knuckles)  
  
Knuckles: (takes a drink) Whoa! It's like an orgasm in a bottle...  
  
Dave: And now in a can! (holds out a can of Sprite Remix)  
  
Knuckles: Wow! It's...it's...  
  
Kairi: Awesome?!  
  
All: Awesome! 


	15. Fast and the Furious: Knuckles and Kairi

* SCENE XV *  
  
___________________________________  
  
--After all the Sprite Remix excitement, Kairi and Knuckles sit at a table and begin to talk.  
  
Kairi: So, Knuckles, where were you before all this?  
  
Knuckles: Oh, you mean after Sonic Adventure 2?  
  
Kairi: Oh, I've never met a real celebrity before.  
  
Knuckles: Haha, well, a lot of people act like that when they first meet me. I'm not really that much of a "fan person" myself, but you seem different.  
  
Kairi: (giggles) Oh, thank you.  
  
Knuckles: And you are so different from the other girls I'm used to. Amy, Princess Peach, and...Rouge.  
  
Kairi: Your girlfriend?  
  
Knuckles: Um, ex-girlfriend. Yeah, we broke up after Sonic 2 came out on Game Cube.  
  
Kairi: Oh, I'm sorry.  
  
Knuckles: No. Don't be. It just wasn't meant to be, I guess. Um...do you have a boyfriend?  
  
Kairi: Me? No. I almost did, but...we had too much in common.  
  
Knuckles: Too much?  
  
Kairi: Yeah, we both like guys.  
  
Knuckles: Oh, I'm sorry.  
  
Kairi: No. It's okay. I've moved on since then.  
  
Knuckles: When did it all happen?  
  
Kairi: Less than a weak ago. You see, all this weird stuff happened. And, well, long story short, the five of us went our own separate ways down a fork in the road.  
  
Knuckles: Yeah, that's pretty short and it makes no sense.  
  
Kairi: Well, Donald and Goofy went off towards the castle, I went here, and Riku and Sora went to Destiny Island.  
  
Knuckles: I was just in Destiny Island. I took a wrong turn on a fork in the road. It's pretty torn up down there.  
  
Kairi: Pretty torn up?  
  
Knuckles: Yeah, somethin' about hurricane Conan O'Brien...I don't know. A lot of people died though.  
  
Kairi: (horrified) Sora! And Riku! Oh, I hope they're okay. Did you happen to see two guys down there: one with brown hair and blue eyes, the other with white hair and blue eyes?  
  
Knuckles: Actually, I did. On my way there, I ran into two guys like that. Who's this Sora?  
  
Kairi: Oh, he's the one I was talking about earlier.  
  
Knuckles: Is the other guy his...you know?  
  
Kairi: No! Well, at least I don't think so. A lot can change in a week's time.  
  
Knuckles: What, like they've moved in together and share the same bed? (chuckles)  
  
Kairi: (giggles) Your right. I'm just a little silly. But I have moved on. It's not like we were ever together anyway.  
  
Knuckles: Since the first time I saw you, I knew there was something different. A fierce exterior, with a sorrow hidden deep inside.  
  
Kairi: Really?  
  
Knuckles: You say you are over this, but you aren't. I know you want to see him again. Check if he's okay, you know.  
  
Kairi: How do you seem to know me so f***in' well?  
  
Knuckles: It's a gift.  
  
Kairi: Would you mind going back to Destiny Island to see how he's doing?  
  
Knuckles: For you? Hmmm...I suppose.  
  
Kairi: Oh, thank you! (leans over the table and kisses him)  
  
Knuckles: Well, let's go?  
  
--They head out of the Bar 'N' Grill and walk down the path towards Destiny Island. 


	16. Farewell, Unrequited Love

* SCENE XVI *  
  
______________________________  
  
--MEANWHILE...at Riku's house, Sora and he wake up from a long night's sleep.  
  
Riku: (lying there) Sora? Sora, you awake?  
  
Sora: (sniffing up tears) Yes. I'm awake.  
  
Riku: Um...did you have a good night's sl...  
  
Sora: No! Just forget about it. Listen. In a few minutes, I'll get up and leave. Then you can go back to your perfectly normal life.  
  
Riku: Sora...  
  
Sora: I'll be fine. Just forget you ever knew me. (turns to leave)  
  
Riku: (sits up and grabs Sora's wrist) No! I don't want to forget about you. Why the hell would I want to do that? I know things have changed dramatically in the past week, but Sora...I don't want you to leave and never come back. I don't want to forget about you. Never.  
  
Sora: Really?  
  
Riku: Really. (opens arms)  
  
Sora: (crying) Oh, thank you Riku! (jumps into Riku's arms)  
  
Riku: See. Everything's okay.  
  
Sora: Even though you don't feel the same, I'm glad you know how I feel. And I'm glad you still want to be friends.  
  
Riku: Yeah...friends. Um, friends forever.  
  
Sora: Or until you turn gay! (laughs) Just kidding.  
  
Riku: Huh? Oh, yeah. (chuckles) Um, Sora.  
  
Sora: Yes, Riku. (looking up at him with big blue eyes)  
  
Riku: Um, well, last night I didn't get much sleep either. I was thinking.  
  
Sora: Thinking about what?  
  
Riku: Well...  
  
Sora: I bet I know what it is.  
  
Riku: Huh?  
  
Sora: I'm almost positive.  
  
Riku: What? You know?!  
  
Sora: Yup, I can see it in your eyes.  
  
Riku: Really?  
  
Sora: It's as plain as the nose on your face.  
  
Riku: It is? Well, last night just made me think.  
  
Sora: And it made me realize something about you.  
  
Riku: Really? So this morning was just an act?  
  
Sora: Huh? (confused) Um, sure.  
  
Riku: So you know? Actually, I'm kinda glad you know. I was too nervous to tell you.  
  
Sora: Yup. You still like Kairi.  
  
Riku: What?! Kairi? I completely forgot about her.  
  
Sora: Oh, then what were you thinking about?  
  
Riku: Um...(turns away)  
  
Sora: BoA?  
  
Riku: What? No.  
  
Sora: Shin Mina?  
  
Riku: No.  
  
Sora: Park Ji Yoon?  
  
Riku: No! Sora! None of them!  
  
Sora: Well then who?  
  
Riku: You! (runs out of the room and down the hall)  
  
Sora: Riku? Riku, wait! (chases after him)  
  
--Sora finds Riku sitting at the end of the hall with his feet hanging outside of the broken house, looking out to the sea.  
  
Riku: My mom used to tell me that her and father used to sit together and look out to the sea. "And so did your grandparents and their parents," she'd say. "And one day, so will you, my son." That's why I always envied you.  
  
Sora: You envied me?  
  
Riku: Because you had someone to watch the sea with. You had Kairi. And I had no one. I think that's why the darkness filled me so easily. I was lonely. Then when I realized that you were, well, gay, I was kind of glad because Kairi could be mine. But very soon I realized that Kairi and I would never be. Once again I was alone. But then last night when you told me how you felt, everything changed. When you were crying I realized that you too were alone. And even when I told you that you'd find someone else...  
  
Sora: "Unless that someone is you, I don't want them."  
  
Riku: That's what you said. That's what made me think. We were both alone. Neither of us had anyone to sit with and watch the sea.  
  
Sora: (sits down next to Riku) What are saying?  
  
Riku: Shhh. Look Sora. Look out there. My room had a window with a view like this, but never so beautiful. I used to look out here by myself. What do you see Sora?  
  
Sora: It's the sea.  
  
Riku: (clasping Sora's hand) Now I finally have someone to sit down and watch the sea with.  
  
Sora: (bashful) Who?  
  
Riku: I have you.  
  
--Riku stares into Sora's eyes.  
  
Riku: If you'll have me.  
  
Sora: Of course I will.  
  
Riku: I'm glad Sora. I truly am.  
  
Sora: One question, though.  
  
Riku: Yes.  
  
Sora: So does that mean you...love me?  
  
Riku: Yes, Sora. I believe it does.  
  
Sora: Me too.  
  
--Sora leans his head on Riku's shoulder as he pulls him close. They sit there and watch the waves of the water ebb and flow with the current.  
  
Riku: You know, I'm glad our parents are dead.  
  
Sora: What?!  
  
Riku: Because they wouldn't approve of this.  
  
Sora: Sitting out here together?  
  
Riku: No...this. (grabs Sora and kisses him passionately) Experiment #2.  
  
Sora: That wasn't an experiment. That was a kiss.  
  
--They both hug and laugh together. 


	17. Ready the Tub!

* SCENE XVII *  
  
______________________________  
  
--Meanwhile at Goofy's house...Donald sits in the bathtub wearing plastic underwear while Goofy stands near shaking his head.  
  
Donald: And ready the tub!  
  
Goofy: No!  
  
Donald: DO IT!!!!  
  
Goofy: F**K NO!!!  
  
Donald: Come on!  
  
Goofy: This is just too weird. I mean you give me everything you own in your will. Then you want to commit suicide. Then you write a crappy suicide note.  
  
Donald: It's not crappy! Read it again!  
  
Goofy: Fine. "To whom it may concern: When you read this, hopefully, I'll be dead already, cuz if not then you could stop me or something and that would suck. Who ever is reading this, please sign at the bottom of the page so I know who you are." For god sakes, Donald! 'So I know who you are?' Aren't you dead? You even stated that in your own damn letter!  
  
Donald: Just keep reading, it gets better.  
  
Goofy: (sighs) "For all the people I cared about, read Form A. And for everyone I hated (you know who you are) read Form B." Can I stop know?  
  
Donald: No!  
  
Goofy: (sighs) "Form A: I did not kill myself because of you. That's about all I have to say. Bye! And I'll see you at the funeral. Form B: You stupid f***! You made me kill myself! F*** YOU! You suck your mother in the ass and have oral sex with elephants! I wish you'd die! DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE! Wait, no! Don't die! Stay alive so I can haunt your sorry ass! Bye! And see you at the funeral!"  
  
Donald: I love that part. Keep going.  
  
Goofy: "In closing, this is not a joke this time. I am really, 100% dead. Unless you found this letter and read it before I killed myself. In that case, it's not my fault. Please photocopy this letter and send it to every one on my funeral attendees list along with an invitation. Thank you. If you don't, I'll haunt you 'til you die!!! Hahaha! Bye. Sincerely, the "Late" Donald Duck." That is the saddest thing I've ever read. Where's the list of attendees and the invitations?  
  
Donald: Look in my suitcase.  
  
Goofy: (opens suitcase) All you have are a bunch of scrolls and papers in here! That's what you packed?  
  
Donald: When you're gonna commit suicide, you gotta be prepared.  
  
Goofy: Donald?  
  
Donald: Listen, I need you to set up the funeral for me and help me out with this. You're my only friend.  
  
Goofy: What about Mickey?  
  
Donald: What about him? He's gay!  
  
--Both pause and stare at each other.  
  
Both: We forgot to tell Minnie!  
  
Donald: Crap! What do we do?!  
  
Goofy: I don't know. I guess we could go back to the castle.  
  
Donald: We can't. I've already sent out propaganda about my death.  
  
Goofy: WHAT?!! What are you talking about? Where? Who? When? Why?  
  
Donald: Don't ask.  
  
Goofy: What?  
  
Donald: I said don't ask! Now let's just forget about this. READY THE TUB!  
  
Goofy: No!  
  
Donald: Do it!  
  
Goofy: This is all just to goddamned weird, Donald! I mean your invitations are chain letters.  
  
Donald: And darn good ones at that!  
  
Goofy: No. No they're not. Your writing sucks!  
  
Donald: Hey! Don't say that to me!  
  
Goofy: And what's with the plastic underwear?  
  
Donald: When I electrocute myself in this tub, I am not burning my "twig 'n' berries" off!  
  
Goofy: Good God! That's not gonna work you retard! You're a bird! Your "stuff" is inside you!  
  
Doanld: Hey, don't push it! You want me to haunt you too! Woooooo! Wooooo!  
  
Goofy: Shut up! You're crazy.  
  
Donald: Oh, and about the Mickey thing. I have an idea. On my body, I'll have a sign that says "MICKEY IS GAY" in big letters.  
  
Goofy: Your insane! You've lost it.  
  
Donald: No, Goofy! I am seizing it! This day is mine!  
  
Goofy: (shakes head) You make me want to cry.  
  
Donald: Now Goofy! Ready the tub! 


	18. Hello Breakfast

* SCENE XVIII *  
  
_________________________________  
  
--Riku and Sora head downstairs to have a hardy breakfast.  
  
Riku: I'll make you breakfast. What do want?  
  
Sora: I don't know what I want to eat, but I know what I want to drink.  
  
Riku: What's that Sora?  
  
Sora: A NEW TROPICAL SPRITE REMIX!  
  
Riku: Wow! Me too! It's like an orgasm in a bottle!  
  
Sora: And now in a can!  
  
Riku: Or in the bedroom. (laughs hysterically) Sorry, dirty mind.  
  
Sora: We're supposed to be advertising NEW Tropical Sprite Remix.  
  
Riku: Sure, whatever. Hey, could you go get me the mail?  
  
Sora: Okay. (walks out to the mailbox and brings back mail)  
  
Riku: Thanks. Let's see. Junk. Junk. Junk. You won a new car. Come to Donald's Funeral, junk...wait. What the f***?!  
  
Sora: Come to Donald's funeral?! Donald Duck?  
  
Riku: Donald's dead?  
  
Sora: Holy crap! Where is it to be held?  
  
Riku: At the cathedral in Hollow Bastion.  
  
Sora: When?  
  
Riku: In a week.  
  
Sora: A week? But wouldn't the body decompose?  
  
Riku: Yes, Sora. Yes it would.  
  
Sora: Listen...let's go out to breakfast. Then we can go shopping for some clothes and get some suits for the funeral.  
  
Riku: Okay.  
  
Sora: Riku...  
  
Riku: Yes, Sora.  
  
Sora: I love you.  
  
Riku: Me too.  
  
Sora: If I was a girl, would you want to marry me?  
  
Riku: That's an odd question Sora. Why don't we take things a little slower? And one more thing, (whispers in Sora's ear) you don't have to be a girl, Sora.  
  
Sora: (giggles)  
  
Riku: But you sounded like one just now. It's kinda cute. (grins) Hmm... (pulls Sora close to him)  
  
Sora: (nervous) Number 3?  
  
Riku: No, it's a kiss this time. (Riku kisses him lovingly) To the mall?  
  
Sora: Um...sure. Just let me get ready. 


	19. Down the Dirty Sand Road

* SCENE XIX *  
  
______________________________  
  
--Kairi and Knuckles continue down the road to Destiny Island "hand in hand."  
  
Kairi: I used to always think that I was going to be alone in the world after Sora told me he was gay. But now...(hugs Knuckles) I have you.  
  
Knuckles: That's sweet Kairi.  
  
Kairi: Hmmm...Kairi the Echidna...does it sound good on me?  
  
Knuckles: Huh?  
  
Kairi: Nevermind. Let's just keep walking together, okay?  
  
Knuckles: Sure...um...okay...don't start movin' too fast. Don't go messin' with your name until you see a ring on that finger.  
  
Kairi: You don't have to be a f***in' jerk about it.  
  
Knuckles: Let's just keep walking.  
  
--As Knuckles and Kairi continue down the road, they get ever closer to the island.  
  
Knuckles: Only one or two more miles.  
  
Kairi: Finally. Only twenty more minutes of walking.  
  
Knuckles: When we get there, we can stay at a hotel.  
  
Kairi: That would be great. Hmmm...  
  
Knuckles: What?  
  
Kairi: Just wondering how Sora and Riku are doing.  
  
Knuckles: (jealous) Oh. Yeah.  
  
Kairi: I was thinking about your joke.  
  
Knuckles: My joke?  
  
Kairi: The one from earlier...about them, ya know?  
  
Knuckles: Oh, sorry.  
  
Kairi: Well, let's keep walking. We're almost there. 


	20. KHWF Smackdown!

* SCENE XX *  
  
______________________________________  
  
Goofy: You don't want to do this.  
  
Donald: I already told you that I'm not going to heaven anyway...  
  
Goofy: Yeah...I know, not after that night in Peru.  
  
Donald: It was a crisp Peru evening. The wind was still and the smell of cheap perfume fermented in the air.  
  
Goofy: Here we go.  
  
Donald: I had had a few drinks and spend most of my money at the underground casino. Then there was Shaneel.  
  
Goofy: Shaneel?  
  
Donald: Yes, Shaneel. She was beautiful. Luscious lips, long silky hair, a body you could die for, and eyes you could lose yourself in. That night was full of passion and...  
  
Goofy: Please don't continue.  
  
Donald: Well, long story short, she was married to a gun toting midget with a Napolean complex.  
  
Goofy: Okay. And?  
  
Donald: And he shot me.  
  
Goofy: Where?  
  
Donald: In the bum.  
  
Goofy: Oh.  
  
Donald: I sent her an invitation to the funeral.  
  
Goofy: What?  
  
Donald: Don't worry. You got one too. It's in my suitcase.  
  
Goofy: How many invitations did you send?  
  
Donald: To most of my closest friends...and Sora.  
  
Goofy: I can't believe you Donald. You sent invitations to all our closest friends already. They all think you're dead! Can't you see that?  
  
Donald: And your point would be? Listen, you aren't being much of a help, Officer 'Kill Joy'. All you do is complain and dash away all of my dreams; not once thinking of me! Frankly, it hurts. You insult my writing abilities and wouldn't even ready the goddamned tub!  
  
Goofy: Jesus! Donald! Open your eyes! You don't want to die!  
  
Donald: I had to ready my own goddamned tub! You know how embarrassing that's gonna be in Hell. "Hey Donald, how did you die?" I committed suicide. "Really? How?" I electrocuted myself in a tub. "Wow! But was the water drawn for you?"  
  
Goofy: You aren't making any sense!  
  
Donald: No! I had to ready my own goddamned tub, 'cause my best friend is a lazy ass dog that fights like a wuss. There I said it.  
  
Goofy: What?  
  
Doanld: I mean think about it. Your weapon of choice is a shield. Can you say, "dumbass?"  
  
Goofy: Hold on a sec...  
  
Donald: You were the temporary leader over the knights, and you dislike weapons? (slowly) What the fuck.  
  
Goofy: Hey! That wasn't censored!  
  
Donald: It's Disney magic. I'm full of it today.  
  
Goofy: Sure, you're full of it all right. Full of sh*t!  
  
Donald: Come on! Cuss like a real man, bitch!  
  
Goofy: Shut up. Just shut up!!!  
  
Donald: Why?  
  
Goofy: JUST SHUT THE F*** UP!!!!  
  
Donald: Awww...are you gonna cry? Do you want some Disney magic too? You wish you were a mage?  
  
Goofy: That's it. Disney magic my ass! (pulls out shield) At least I'm not a weak ass little bitch in bathtub! (smashes Donald over the head with shield) Who's the bitch now? Donald...Donald? Hello? (looks down at shield) Blood?! Holy crap! Donald! Oh, God. DONALD!!! 


	21. A Nice Quiet Day at the Mall

* SCENE XXI *  
  
_____________________________  
  
--Meanwhile...at the mall.  
  
Riku: You bastard!  
  
Sora: What?  
  
Riku: Not you.  
  
Sora: Okay.  
  
Riku: I don't know what came over me. It's like they killed someone...  
  
Sora: Oh, I get it. The bastards.  
  
Riku: Hmmm...I wonder what could have happened to give me such a feeling. Oh, well. Tough nuts.  
  
Sora: Maybe...  
  
Riku: Maybe, what?  
  
Sora: You think that Kairi killed again?  
  
Riku: Well, she did leave us with an ass load of ammo in her hands.  
  
Sora: And Donald's funeral...  
  
Riku: You don't think that maybe she...no.  
  
Sora: What?  
  
Riku: It's silly.  
  
Sora: What? Tell me.  
  
Riku: You don't think that maybe she...killed Donald?  
  
Sora: Killed Donald? Riku! What a thing to say! Kill Donald. You should be ashamed. Kairi would never do such a thing!  
  
Riku: Why so protective of her all of a sudden? (turns away with arms folded) I see. You still have feelings for her. It's fine. I'll go. Maybe your little wish will come true and she'll appear in this very mall when you least expect it.  
  
Sora: Riku. You're over reacting.  
  
Riku: Am I, Sora? Am I? Just for that, I hope she walks in with her new boyfriend!  
  
Sora: Come on, Riku. Stop it.  
  
Riku: Not even an apology?  
  
Sora: (sighs) I'm sorry.  
  
Riku: That was crap! Crap that I had to ask for no less! I'm leaving.  
  
Sora: Riku.  
  
Riku: To the food court! My Cinnabun awaits! (storms off)  
  
Sora: Riku! Riku, wait! (starts to head forward)  
  
--A voice from behind calls out...  
  
SORA!!!  
  
Sora: (turns) Huh? Did someone call my name?  
  
SORA!!!  
  
Sora: (squinting) Is that...? Kairi! It that you?  
  
Kairi: Sora! (jumps into his arms) I was afraid you were killed by the hurricane.  
  
Sora: I got here just after Conan O'Brien hit the island.  
  
Kairi: I'm so glad you're safe. And Riku?  
  
Sora: Oh, um, he's okay. He's just being a bastard right now.  
  
Kairi: You're picking up his language.  
  
Sora: Sorry.  
  
--A sound is heard from behind Kairi.  
  
AHEM!  
  
Kairi: Oh, sorry. Sora, let me introduce you to Knuckles. Knuckles the Echidna.  
  
Knuckles: I believe we've met once already.  
  
Sora: Um, yeah, on the Magic bridge to Destiny Island.  
  
Knuckles: Yeah, your friend gave me the wrong direction to turn on the fork in the road. I was tryin' to go to Angel Island, but I went to your crappy ass island instead. You know how much of an inconvenience that was?!! Then I got lost again on my way back and went to some criminal bar and grill. That was almost a waste, but then I met Kairi here. You passed up something great. (turns to Kairi) Great indeed. (grabs her and kisses her passionately)  
  
Sora: KAIRI?! What the f*** are you doing?!  
  
Kairi: (breaking away) I forgot to mention...Knuckles and I are a couple now.  
  
Sora: WHAT?! When? But how?  
  
Kairi: I thought you'd be okay with it. I mean you are gay now, aren't you?  
  
Sora: Well, um, I.... Kairi! It's just that it's so soon. I mean, well, I mean... Knuckles? He's an Echidna for God sakes!  
  
Knuckles: Is it a problem for you that I am an 'animal' per say?  
  
Kairi: (giggles)  
  
Sora: What is that supposed to mean? Are you trying to insinuate something?  
  
Knuckles: (holding Kairi tightly) Why, what do you mean?  
  
Sora: You know good and well what I mean!  
  
Knuckles: (nibbling on her hair) I don't know what you're talking about.  
  
Sora: You bastard!  
  
Kairi: Sora!  
  
Sora: Listen to him! He's being a jerk!  
  
Knuckles: You seem a little jealous...Tinker Bell.  
  
Sora: Tinker Bell?! Tinker Bell! How dare you? Besides, she's the best character to summon in the game!  
  
Knuckles: Fly away...fairy!  
  
Sora: Well, this fairy's gonna kick your ass! (pulls out keyblade)  
  
Kairi: NO SORA! Don't! What the f*** are you doing? This isn't like you. You've changed.  
  
Sora: I've changed? I've changed? You're the one makin' out with the red headed Sonic!  
  
Knuckles: You little prick!  
  
Sora: B***h!  
  
Kairi: Stop it! Now Sora. You have to wake up and realize what you are doing.  
  
Sora: What?  
  
Kairi: You still have feelings for me that you're trying to let go. It's okay.  
  
Sora: What? Are you trying to tell me that I'm jealous of him?!  
  
Knuckles: In a matter of speaking...yes.  
  
Sora: You! (points) Don't talk to me anymore! And you (points to Kairi) what's with you? You seemed so...so...  
  
Kairi: That was then Sora. This is now. I'm over you and that's all there is to it.  
  
Sora: Over me?  
  
Knuckles: I don't get it. If he's gay, then why is he so jealous?  
  
Kairi: I don't know. Maybe it's...  
  
Sora: Why are you talking about me in front of my GODDAMNED face?!!  
  
Kairi: Calm down Sora.  
  
Sora: Calm down?! Calm down?! You were the one screaming "what the f***" after every thing! You were the one shooting everyone who pissed you off...  
  
Kairi: That was then, Sora. This is...  
  
Sora: (screams) AHHHHH! (storms off) 


	22. Cinnabun at the Food Court: Dialogue Bet...

* SCENE XXII *  
  
______________________________________  
  
--Meanwhile...at the food court, Riku sits at a table scarfing down Cinnabuns and milk.  
  
Riku: Damn, Sora. He didn't even follow me. He's probably off somewhere having a good time. (cries out) He doesn't even care! He doesn't even like Cinnabuns!!!  
  
--All of a sudden, a young man walks by and stops.  
  
Young Man: (in a 'flamboyant' voice) Riku? Long time no see. What's wrong?  
  
Riku: (looking up) Wakka?  
  
Wakka: May I? (pulls out chair)  
  
Riku: Oh, sure.  
  
Wakka: (sits down) So, dish.  
  
Riku: Dish? What the hell?  
  
Wakka: No, silly! Tell me what happened.  
  
Riku: Nothing happened.  
  
Wakka: Come on. It's me. You can tell me.  
  
Riku: What are you getting at?  
  
Wakka: No body buys 4 Cinnabuns and actually eats them all in one sitting unless they're depressed.  
  
Riku: Well...um...this, um, 'girl' used to be hooked on this, um, 'guy', but 'she' let 'him' go because 'she' fell in love with me.  
  
Wakka: Oh, love triangle. (pointing to the Cinnabun Registar) I'll take a Mini-bun and a latte...for here. Continue.  
  
Riku: Right. Well, Sor...I mean this 'girl', well, I think 'she' still has feelings for the 'guy'.  
  
Wakka: That slut.  
  
Riku: 'She's' not a slut, Wakka!  
  
Wakka: Sorry. Mee-ouch! (makes a cat gesture)  
  
Riku: Can you be serious? I'm really worried about him, I mean 'her'!  
  
Wakka: Riku?  
  
Riku: What?  
  
Wakka: Was that a Freudian Slip of a different color?  
  
Riku: Huh?  
  
Wakka: The color purple maybe?  
  
Riku: Are talking about that movie with Woopie Goldberg and Oprah?  
  
Wakka: Riku? Can I ask you a 'personal' question?  
  
Riku: Sure, I guess.  
  
Wakka: Are you...  
  
Riku: If you're about to ask me what I think you're about to ask me...  
  
Wakka: Then what? If you weren't, then you'd simply say no and we'd move on. Unless?  
  
Riku: Unless what?  
  
Wakka: Unless you've got something to hide?  
  
Riku: Um...(stuffs half a Cinnabun in his mouth). Well, it's hard to explain. I'm not 'gay'...well...  
  
Wakka: Well, what?  
  
Riku: Well...I like girls and everything, I'm very sure of that, but then there's Sora.  
  
Wakka: I always knew the two of you were really close, but I never knew how close.  
  
Riku: Well, it's all happened so fast. So I can't really blame him if he still likes Kairi.  
  
Wakka: So she's the tip of the triangle.  
  
Riku: He's right. I did kinda over react. It's just that...I've changed so much, just for him. It's not that I didn't want to. I did it so that I could be with him, but...  
  
Wakka: But what?  
  
Riku: But now he seems to be concerned about Kairi again. Maybe it's just me, but I doubt that's he's truly over her. And until then, he won't be able to completely commit to me. I know it all sounds selfish, but I've always wanted someone to only think about me. And I thought that Sora did. But the truth is that, he doesn't. I'm being unrealistic. Of course he doesn't.  
  
Wakka: Do you?  
  
Riku: Do I what?  
  
Wakka: Do you only think about him?  
  
Riku: (pauses) Since last night, since all these things that have happened...yes.  
  
Wakka: Well, is that good enough for you?  
  
Riku: Sometimes...yes.  
  
Wakka: Well then. Whether your love be returned at the same extent or not, you love him with all your heart and that is all that matters, right?  
  
Riku: Right. How did you get to be so wise?  
  
Wakka: Experience...and anime.  
  
Riku: What experience?  
  
Wakka: My unrequited love for Tidus.  
  
Riku: Oh, sorry.  
  
Wakka: Listen, why don't you clean yourself up and go find Sora. I bet he's worried.  
  
Riku: Thanks Wakka. I never really liked you at all until now.  
  
Wakka: Sadly, that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.  
  
Riku: Don't mention it. (gets up from the table and wipes his face) Here I go. (walks off)  
  
Wakka: Good luck! 


	23. Smoothies, Pottys, and a MakeOut Scene

* SCENE XXIII *  
  
_____________________________________  
  
--Meanwhile, at the Smoothie Bar...  
  
Sora: (crying) She's a slut! A total slut ya know. I mean how many girls do you know that sleep with Ech-ech-echidnas! Huh?! I didn't (hiccup) think so!  
  
Smoothie Tender: Sir. I think you've had one too many...  
  
Sora: I'll tell you when I've had enough! Gimmie a strawberry banana one...on the rocks!  
  
Smoothie Tender: There's a strawberry banana smoothie right in front of you sir. You never finished it.  
  
Sora: I'll tell you when I finished it! (takes a huge drink) I'm d...BRAIN FREEZE!  
  
Customer #1: Are you okay?  
  
Sora: (crying) What am I doing? I'm sitting here complaining about Kairi and her new boyfriend when I've got the best thing in the world right under my nose....a strawberry banana smoothie. (takes a drink) For some reason, I feel like I'm forgetting about something. Where am I?  
  
--Riku runs up to the bar.  
  
Riku: Sora? Are you okay? You don't look too good.  
  
Sora: Hey, I know you! Does anyone else notice that his hair is silver?! That is sooo awesome!!! I bet you dye it! Lemme see. (reaches towards Riku and falls off stool)  
  
Riku: (picks up Sora) Come on. Let's go.  
  
--Riku takes Sora to the restroom to wake him up with some cold water.  
  
Riku: (splashing cold water in Sora's face) Are you okay?  
  
Sora: Yeah, now I am. Thanks.  
  
Riku: Sorry I stormed off. Did you drown your sorrows in smoothie because of me?  
  
Sora: Well...no.  
  
Riku: (pause) Oh. Well, why?  
  
Sora: Just like you predicted, Kairi appeared when I least expected it.  
  
Riku: (pause, gulp) Oh.  
  
Sora: With her new boyfriend, Knuckles.  
  
Riku: Oh.  
  
Sora: She said she was completely over me. And that I was jealous. And he called me Tinker Bell. And he's an 'animal'...  
  
Riku: That's enough.  
  
Sora: She said I wasn't over her and that I was jealous.  
  
Riku: You already said that.  
  
Sora: Oh, did I? (sniffs) She's over me already! They made out in front of me. Right in front of me. And worst of all, I think that slut my have, well, you know.  
  
Riku: Slept with him?  
  
Sora: Yeah. WHORE!!! (cries) She doesn't even care about me anymore!  
  
Riku: I do.  
  
Sora: I know, but this is different.  
  
Riku: That slut has moved on. And so should you.  
  
Sora: I have. I'm with you.  
  
Riku: No. You haven't. You're still hooked on her. Maybe your love for me was just your mind trying to separate yourself from Kairi. To "get over her."  
  
Sora: What? No.  
  
Riku: Maybe. This wasn't meant to be. Maybe you aren't ready to be with someone else because you really still want to be with Kairi. (a single tear falls down his face) Never mind me. I'll go now. Go get her, Sora.  
  
Sora: No! Riku. No. It's not like that. I really do love you! I do. It's just that, well, Kairi seems so different, so much better without me. She got over me so quickly. I sat there and broke her heart and now she's back better than ever. It's like she's better off not having me. And maybe I am a little jealous, but whatever feelings I have towards her, are now only as a friend. There is someone else that I care about much more. And his name is Riku.  
  
Riku: Do you mean that?  
  
Sora: (embraces Riku's hand) Of course I do. I...  
  
Riku: (interrupting him with a passionate kiss) You love me. Good. (pause) And I love you as well. (pulls him close and they both begin to kiss) 


	24. Bathroom Brawl!

* SCENE XXIV *  
  
________________________________________  
  
--As Sora and Riku make out in the bathroom at the mall, the door swings open....  
  
OH MY GOD!!!  
  
Riku: What the? Whose ther...  
  
Knuckles: I guess Tinker Bell found Peter Pan.  
  
Sora: Hey!  
  
Riku: Did you just call me Peter Pan?  
  
Knuckles: What if I did?  
  
Riku: Okay, b***h! You asked for a fight with the wrong man!  
  
Knuckles: You mean pansy.  
  
Riku: Oh, hell naw! You did NOT just call me a pansy!  
  
Knuckles: I just caught you making out with Sora!  
  
Riku: And?  
  
Knuckles: Fine. I'll say it straight up...you're gay.  
  
Riku: Excuse me!?  
  
Knuckles: Do I need to spell it out for you? G-A-Y...gay!  
  
Riku: In that case...you can suck it! (punches Knuckles in the face)  
  
Sora: Riku! Watch out!  
  
--Knuckles swings back with his spiked boxing gloves. Riku ducks and kicks Knuckles' legs out from under him. He falls to the ground hitting his head on the tiled floor... rendering him unconscious.  
  
Riku: Who's the pansy now!  
  
Sora: Riku! Why did you do this? What if you killed him?  
  
Riku: He's not dead. (nudges him with his foot) See. He moved.  
  
Sora: Riku!  
  
Riku: What?!! He called me gay!  
  
Sora: But I thought...  
  
Riku: You are the only exception.  
  
Sora: Okay. Sure. Well, what do we do with him in the meantime?  
  
Riku: Um, I don't know.  
  
--All of a sudden, the bathroom door swings open.  
  
Kairi: I thought I heard some noise in here. What the f***?!  
  
Riku: (jumps up) I can explain...  
  
Kairi: What the f*** Riku!!! What the f*** did you do to him?  
  
Riku: He fell! He fell on the tile and knocked himself out!  
  
Kairi: You liar! You f***in' b***h! Tell me the truth and no one gets hurt.  
  
Riku: Come on Sora! Back me up! He did fall...didn't he?  
  
Sora: Um, well, I guess.  
  
Kairi: Don't lie for him Sora! Riku you f***er! Tell me what the f*** you did!  
  
Riku: Can you stop saying f***?!  
  
Kairi: F*** you!  
  
Riku: Kairi, seriously, why are you such a f***in' b***h?  
  
Kairi: Oh, hell no. (kicks Riku in the nuts...again) That's a f***in' b***h.  
  
Riku: (screaming) Oh, KAMI-SAMA!!!! Iesu Kirisuto! Anata-de machigat-te i- masu naN desu-ka?!!! (LOOSELY trans.= Oh, God! Jesus Christ! What is wrong with you?!!!)  
  
Kairi: Told you someone was going to get hurt, mother f***er!  
  
Riku: You slut! I hope you get pregnant with that Sonic wannabe!  
  
Kairi: Why?  
  
Riku: With all those needles on him, that baby's got to hurt when it comes out!  
  
Kairi: You little...(kicks him again)  
  
Riku: (screaming in a high pitched voice) AHHH! God! Take me now! Twice in a row! I can't make it! I...I see the light! Kami-sama? Hikari! Hikari! (trans= God? The light! The light!)  
  
Kairi: Ego-de onegai shimasu! (trans= In English, please!)  
  
Riku: IE! (trans=NO!)  
  
Sora: Are you okay?  
  
Riku: IE!  
  
Kairi: I hope that last one'll kill ya!  
  
Riku: Chikushoume! (trans=son-of-a-bitch)  
  
--As Riku lies there on the bathroom floor, his eyes slowly close.  
  
Sora: RIKU! NO!!! Kairi, how could you?  
  
Kairi: He's a prick.  
  
Sora: That doesn't give you the right to...  
  
Kairi: Shut up Sora.  
  
Sora: (shocked) What? Kairi...  
  
Kairi: Just shut up. (kneeling at Knuckle's side) Come on honey. Wake up.  
  
--Sora stood there frozen. Kairi had never told him to shut up like that...ever. He had never seen her care so much about anyone else. Then he turned his attention to Riku, lying there on the moist tile.  
  
Sora: (thinks: "Maybe Riku was right. Maybe I'm not ready to be with him. Not until I can resolve everything with...")  
  
AHEM!  
  
--A sound shot from the floor. Riku sprang up to a sitting position.  
  
Riku: Sora!!! Don't you care?! I'm lying here on the floor practically dead and you're just standing there. Take a lesson from this b***h next to me.  
  
Kairi: (SMACK!)  
  
Riku: (holding his cheek) Ouch! Stop it!  
  
Sora: I'm sorry. I just blanked out for a sec.  
  
Riku: Sure.  
  
Kairi: Come on Knuckles! Wake up!  
  
--Slowly, Knuckles begins to come to.  
  
Knuckles: What happened? Where am I?  
  
Kairi: (hugging him) I'm so glad you're okay! What happened to you?  
  
Knuckles: All I remember is walking in here and...  
  
Kairi: And?  
  
Knuckles: And seeing...seeing...  
  
Riku: Water all over the floor.  
  
Knuckles: Yeah. And then...and then I...  
  
Riku: Slipped on the water.  
  
Knuckles: Yeah.  
  
Kairi: Is that the truth?  
  
Knuckles: Yeah, I think so.  
  
Kairi: You're lucky Riku. Come on, honey. Let's go back to the hotel.  
  
Knuckles: Okay.  
  
--The two of them leave. Sora helps Riku up and they both go back to the food court to sit down and talk. 


	25. Rubber Ducky, Your the One!

* SCENE XXV *  
  
_______________________________  
  
--Meanwhile, back at Goofy's house...  
  
Goofy: What have I done?! What have I done?! Oh, sh*t! Oh, sh*t! What the f*** am I supposed to do now! Okay. Calm down. Think Goofy, think. Maybe, he's not dead. Maybe I just knocked him out. Yeah, that's it. I'll just wait a little while.  
  
1 HOUR LATER  
  
Goofy: Hey Donald! Donald...dammit!  
  
2 HOURS LATER  
  
Goofy: Come on! It's been three hours. Donald! This isn't funny.  
  
2 HOURS LATER  
  
Goofy: Oh, sh*t, oh sh*t, oh sh*t! Okay, calm down. Okay, now. Let's be realistic. He's probably dead. However, he was going to commit suicide. I'll just say that he took my shield and beat himself over the head with it and knocked himself out. Then he drowned in the tub, cause he already passed out. But his head is hanging off the side of the tub. So I'll have to move him. (takes a plunger and pokes at Donald's head) Move! Move!  
  
--Donald's head flops around like a rag doll. Then his beak opens and his tongue rolls out.  
  
Goofy: Oh, good God! That's gross!  
  
--Goofy continues to poke and prod at the duck's head. He can't get it over the edge of the tub.  
  
Goofy: Okay. New plan. He beat him self to death with my shield and he died from a concussion. I tried to stop him, but it was no use. Good. And I'll just have everything go as planned. Wait a sec, do I call the police or the paramedics? If I do, they may figure it out. Damn. I just won't alert the authorities at all. Good. That works.  
  
QUACK! QUACK! QUACK!  
  
Goofy: Oh, my God! Donald! You're a...(looks down; there's a rubber ducky on the floor) Jesus Christ! 


	26. 2 Fast, 2 Furious

* SCENE XXVI *  
  
_____________________________  
  
--Meanwhile, at Kairi and Knuckles hotel room...  
  
Kairi: Are you sure you don't remember anything else?  
  
Knuckles: Nope, not a thing. (lies down on the bed) Why do you ask?  
  
Kairi: Just worried. (sits down on bed) I was afraid that maybe that a**hole Riku might have done something.  
  
Knuckles: Why do you hate him so much?  
  
Kairi: I don't know why. Maybe it's 'cause he always came between me and Sora all the time. I remember a long time ago, Sora took me to this secret place on the island. It was beautiful. A dark hollow cave filled with drawings. But when Riku found out that Sora took me there, he was furious. Before that day it was Sora and Riku's "secret place." Riku has been in my way constantly ever since.  
  
Knuckles: I'm sorry.  
  
Kairi: But that's the past. And this is the present. And presently, I am in a hotel room with a very sexy guy on my bed.  
  
Knuckles: You flatter me. I'm the lucky one.  
  
Kairi: You're so sweet. (smirks)  
  
--A funny smile rises on Kairi's face. She crawls towards Knuckles. He instinctively grabs her and pulls her into a veil of kisses. One thing leads to another and, well, you get the idea. They rock the bedsprings, knock the headboard, etc. Making lots and lots off noise. Then the phone rings. Knuckles: Better get it. (starts to get up)  
  
Kairi: No! Let it ring! (throws him back down under her)  
  
Knuckles: It's from the hotel. It might be important. (gets up again)  
  
Kairi: Get your ass on this bed right now!  
  
Knuckles: I'm getting the phone.  
  
Kairi: On the bed! NOW! I'll get the phone! (walks over to the desk and picks up the phone) HELLO!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Hello, this is the front desk. We've been getting some complaints about the volume of noise coming from your room.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Kairi: Really? What kind of noise?  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Um, well, just a disturbing noise...  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Kairi: Was the noise something like...  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
PLEASE! Stop ma'am. Just stop the noise, please. Thank you.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Kairi: Do you seriously think that I give a fat f***?! Now leave us alone before I tear you a new one. (hangs up)  
  
Knuckles: What did you do that for? Now we're gonna get kicked out for sure.  
  
Kairi: Shut up! (jumps on the bed)  
  
Knuckles: Huh?  
  
Kairi: Shut up, b***h! Say my name.  
  
Knuckles: Um, Kairi.  
  
Kairi: Louder!  
  
Knuckles: (clears throat) Kairi.  
  
Kairi: Say it like you mean it! (slap)  
  
Knuckles: KAIRI!!!  
  
--They continue like this through the cold of the night. 


	27. Rub'a'Dub Dub: Dead Duck in a Tub

* SCENE XXVII *  
  
______________________  
  
--The phone rings at Goofy's house. He is shocked, nervous, worried...the works...  
  
RING!!!  
  
Goofy: I'm not gonna get it. Well, he sure as hell can't. Jesus! What should I do?  
  
RING!!!  
  
Goofy: Okay, think. I just want to pretend that it's a normal day. And on a normal, Goofy, would answer his phone...right?  
  
RING!!!  
  
Goofy: But then again...I was gone for a year. So technically, I might not be home yet, but...  
  
RING!!!  
  
Goofy: People have seen me. They know I'm here. So why wouldn't I answer my phone. Unless...I HAD A DEAD DUCK FLOATING IN MY BATHTUB!!! (breaks down and falls to floor) Now I'm just like Donald! I know I'm going to hell! After that night in my apartment with the magic duck and the rubber underpants...never. I should have agreed to the double suicide. (cries into his hands) I was suppose to help out Donald and now I can't even answer a phone. Wait a sec. The phone stopped ringing. Now I can't answer it. But wait...what if they think I didn't want to answer the phone. They'll surely find out that I killed Donald. I know! (picks up phone and dials) * 69! (waits for someone to pick up) Um, hello?  
  
Yeah? Who is this?  
  
Goofy: Were you just trying to call me?  
  
I could tell you if I knew who you were.  
  
Goofy: Goofy.  
  
Oh, it's you. I wasn't trying to call you. (rustling is heard through the phone) (a new voice) That was just Ricardo. Don't mind him.  
  
Goofy: Who is this?  
  
Daisy. I just wanted to apologize to Donald. I figured he'd be at your place.  
  
Goofy: You 'figured' he'd be here?! (panicking) How would you figure that?!  
  
He didn't have anywhere else to stay. Of course he'd be there. Am I right?  
  
Goofy: Of course he'd be here!  
  
Goddammit, Goofy! Can I please speak to Donald?  
  
Goofy: (coming back to his senses) Can you what?  
  
Speak to Donald!  
  
Goofy: Oh...um...okay, hold on. (sets down the phone very gently and sits next to Donald's floating corpse) Ahem...(calmly) Now, Donald. If any of this is just a cruel joke, then please come to your senses and end it NOW! Your wife is on the phone and she'd like to apologize. Now normally, you would have killed for a...sorry (motions the Trinity over his chest) done anything for a chance to cuss her out. Now please, Donald. Wake up from this dream. This joke. Or if you are just unconscious, then wake up from that. Okay Donald. Donald? You aren't answering.  
  
--Donald's head just seemed to dangle off the rim of the bathtub. His tongue flopping about and his big eyes wide open, leaving a humorous grin on his face. He almost seemed to be staring at Goofy, in a stare that could never be mimicked or even imagined by a mere man/duck/dog/etc... That stare seemed to set off something in Goofy's mind. Something just went off in him.  
  
Goofy: Don't you stare at me like that! You dead piece of sh*t!!! STOP IT! Quit it Donald, before I kill you again!  
  
Donald: (stare)  
  
Goofy: You little corpse! F*** you! Stop staring! You dead piece of sh*t! (jumps on Donald, grabbing his neck and shacking it)  
  
Goofy: I'll shake that stare off your face! You stupid...(shoving his head under the crashing waves of the suicide-tub) You like that?!  
  
--Donald's mouth rushes open. Bubbles fly up to the surface. His shut quickly then spring open and his arms grab Goofy's trying to free himself from the fatal grasp.  
  
Donald: (underwater) Goofy! Stop you mother fucker!  
  
Goofy: (not able to hear Donald's water muted cries) You dead piece of sh*t! (shakes him even more, ignoring the apposing struggle)  
  
Donald: (continues to try to break loose)  
  
--As Donald clings to his last short gasps of air, Goofy continues to maul him in the tub. Using his last bit of strength, Donald casts his spell known as 'Wateraga'. Goofy gets blown out of the tub and flies into the wall by a huge gust of magic water. Goofy lies there on the floor gasping for air. Daisy is heard screaming through the phone; however, nothing is heard from the tub.  
  
Goofy: (coming to) Jesus?! What just happened? (hearing Daisy, he answers the phone) Hello?  
  
Donald?! Is that you?  
  
Goofy: No. It's Goofy. Um, Donald can't talk right now. He's taking a really long bath. A REALLY long bath.  
  
Fine! Bye. (click)  
  
Goofy: (drops phone to the floor) What have I done?! I've just assaulted a corpse in a bathtub, then brought him out of unconsciousness. And in saving his life, I brought an end to it for a second time by drowning him in the bathtub. I killed him again. What the f*** kind of nightmare is this?! I am so f***in' screwed.  
  
--Goofy looks upon Donald, with a sad lament for himself. Donald's body floats on the surface of the bathtub, with his duckbill wide open in the air. 


	28. Mickey and THE HEART OF DARKNESS, MUAHAH...

* SCENE XXVIII *  
  
_______________________  
  
--Meanwhile, in the HEART OF DARKNESS!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!! Or in Kingdom Hearts, rather...Mickey sits there waiting for someone to come and save him.  
  
Mickey: All I have to do is wait here. That's all! They'll come for me! I mean I've brainwashed that lab experiment Goofy. Good thing little kids never wondered about the big "Pluto vs. Goofy Conspiracy." Disney doesn't need that again, I tell ya! I don't know about Donald though. He's just so...so bitter. I wonder how they're doing now. They're probably living at the laps of luxury in the castle as permanent heroes while I'm stuck in here with the Heartless.  
  
Shadow 1: Boss, that freaky mouse just called you a Heartless again.  
  
Darkside: Listen (walking over to Mickey) I told you that we don't like being called the Heartless anymore.  
  
Mickey: But you don't have Hearts and you kill people and destroy worlds!  
  
Darkside: Once we are released from Kingdom Hearts, we lose our Hearts because they all get kept in here. And also we become retarded.  
  
Mickey: That's what I don't understand. Why did you leave?  
  
Darkside: Well, I...I don't know. Hey, Blue Rhapsody! Do you know?  
  
Blue Rhapsody: ...  
  
Darkside: You know, Green Requiem?  
  
Green Requiem: ...  
  
Mickey: Um, okay...so if the doors are opened again, will you leave?  
  
Darkside: That's a good question. Well, most of us Heartfulls...  
  
Mickey: Heartfulls? When did you come up with that one?  
  
Darkside: I thought it sounded better than Heartmore.  
  
Mickey: Yeah, you're right. Go on.  
  
Darkside: Anyway, most of us are intelligent intellectuals...  
  
Mickey: Isn't that a little redundant?  
  
Darkside: Can you listen and NOT comment?  
  
Mickey: Sorry.  
  
Darkside: Thank you. Now, we are very civilized, all except for that stupid Behemoth.  
  
Mickey: Isn't he like you're dog or something?  
  
Darkside: Yeah, but I think I'm gonna put him down.  
  
Mickey: I have a dog too. His name's Pluto.  
  
Darkside: What? Is he an alien or something?  
  
Mickey: No. Just a dog.  
  
Darkside: Oh.  
  
Mickey: You think I'll ever get out of here?  
  
Darkside: Even if you got through those doors...how would you get back to your world?  
  
Mickey: Don't know. I'd probably get lost in End of the World.  
  
Darkside: How did you make it here anyway?  
  
Mickey: Well, I met up with Ansem and then we started traveling together. Then we ran into some guy with a red sports car with OHTORI on the license plate.  
  
Darkside: Did some red head tell you to go with him?  
  
Mickey: Why yes!  
  
Darkside: That's how our entire Heartfull race ended up here in End of the World.  
  
--Four Shadow Heartfulls are playing cards in the back.  
  
Shadow 2: You ignorant Heartless! You're cheating!  
  
Shadow 4: Shut the fuck up!  
  
Shadow 3: Heartless please!  
  
Shadow5: A he-ell naw! You did not just call me a Heartless you little bitch!  
  
Darkside: Stop it! Don't use such a hurtful word to label yourselves.  
  
Mickey: Well, they are Heartless.  
  
--All of the Shadow Heartfulls turn around slowly and stare at Mickey.  
  
Mickey: (gulp) I didn't mean that...I mean I...sh*t.  
  
--The Shadow Heartfulls jump Mickey!  
  
Darkside: Told you not to call us Heartless.  
  
Mickey: SORA!!! HELP ME!!! 


	29. Mummy's, Daddy's, and Illegitimate Child...

* SCENE XXIX *  
  
_______________________  
  
--Sora and Riku sit in the food court at the mall after some shopping. They are both very quiet.  
  
Sora: Riku, I feel this weird calling inside.  
  
Riku: Like God or something?  
  
Sora: No, like someone is crying out for help.  
  
Riku: (sarcastically) Oh. Good thing you can take care of everybody with such care and assistance.  
  
Sora: Riku...stop it. You know I care about you.  
  
Riku: I could really tell just how much you cared in the bathroom a while ago. You're just so sensitive to callings of help from outside forces but not forces that are right smack in front of your goddamn face!  
  
Sora: Riku, I'm sorry.  
  
Riku: It's fine. Forget about it! Are we done shopping yet?  
  
Sora: Well, I'll have to borrow your clothes again 'cause we only have our suits for the funeral.  
  
Riku: Can you manage walking home alone?  
  
Sora: Well, yeah. Of course.  
  
Riku: Here. (hands Sora forty dollars) Take it and get an outfit for yourself. I'm gone.  
  
Sora: What? But Riku!  
  
Riku: Hey, maybe you'll get lucky and run into your girlfriend.  
  
Sora: Okay. I won't take long. I'll just go into one store and that's it.  
  
Riku: It's getting late. So hurry up. I'm locking my door at 8.  
  
Sora: Okay.  
  
--Riku leaves and Sora walks through the mall to get an outfit. To the side there is one of those mini catwalks for a mall fashion show. Sora stops to watch. A woman dressed in a long pink button-down dress and a long brown braid stands on the catwalk with a microphone and note cards.  
  
Aerith: Hello everyone and welcome to this wonderful mall fashion show. Today we will be showing off some nice (squints at her note cards) duds? What's a dud? Anyway, first we have Leon wearing a bright yellow tank top and bright orange shorts with a gold decaled belt by Paopu Express Co.  
  
Leon: Somebody kill me.  
  
Sora: Leon! I thought you were in your world!  
  
Leon: For some reason we all ended up here instead of where we were supposed to be. So now we work at the mall for extra munny to afford to live in a "small house" here on this island.  
  
Aerith: No talking while you're modeling!  
  
Leon: Slave driver!  
  
Aerith: And next up we have Cloud wearing a simple set of overalls and a red summery shirt. Black boots by Trip Machine Inc.  
  
Cloud: I swear to god, Aerith! I will kill you! And this time, you won't magically come back.  
  
Aerith: (whispers to Cloud) Kingdom Hearts 2 in 2004. (snickers) Isn't my wittle Cloudy adorable!  
  
Sora: (eyes huge) Cloud! This is almost scary!  
  
Aerith: Next we have Yuffie.  
  
Yuffie: (grabbing microphone from Aerith) Hello everyone! I'm wearing this cute little summer dress with a purse by Shiro-i hime Inc.!  
  
Aerith: (pushing Yuffie away and grabbing microphone back) Thank you, Yuffie! And get off the stage...you are fired!  
  
Cloud: FF7!  
  
Aerith: Next, we have Sephiroth wearing a Speedo and towel set with goggles by Rotting Olsen Co.!  
  
Sephiroth: Look at me! Ladies, ladies, aren't I just...oh, so breathtaking.  
  
Fangirls: Oh, Sephi!!!  
  
Sephiroth: Selphie? No, no, it's Sephiroth.  
  
Fangirls: SEPHI!!!  
  
Sephiroth: No! Dammit! My name is Sephiroth! Like this: Sef-er-oth!  
  
Fangirls: (fainting) Sephi!!!!  
  
Sephiroth: Jesus Christ! (lunges out with his magic kendo sword and chops of their heads)  
  
Cloud: FF7!  
  
Aerith: Sephiroth! Come on!  
  
Sephiroth: That'll show Disney to give me a bit part in their dumbass game.  
  
Cloud: You looked really cool though.  
  
Sephiroth: Is this modeling thing over yet? Let's go get some food?  
  
--They all go backstage to change.  
  
Aerith: Well, hehe, thank you for coming. Bye bye! (leaving the stage and microphone behind) Hey, Sora! Would you like to come?  
  
Sora: Oh, sure. It should be fun!  
  
--They all go to Weinershnitzel.  
  
Sephiroth: (shoving a Chili Cheese Dog into his mouth) I ope miss idnt burnin boo fon, Gowd!  
  
Cloud: What? Swallow!  
  
Sephiroth: (gulp) I said: 'I hope this isn't turning you on.'  
  
Cloud: Don't worry. Aerith is though. Eat it, honey, eat it!  
  
Aerith: Not in front of Sora.  
  
Sora: You're acting like you are my parents or something.  
  
Aerith: But we are. Think about it. You are blessed with the mighty power to wield the keyblade and you think you were really born from the people of this island.  
  
Sora: Oh. Then why did you leave me here?  
  
Cloud: Had to.  
  
Sora: Well, it does make sense. I have Cloud's hair and Aerith's hair coloring.  
  
Cloud: And the eyes.  
  
Sora: And since my island parents died, well, it is nice to know that I still have parents.  
  
Cloud: Biological.  
  
--All of a sudden a hoey looking chick runs up.  
  
Tifa: Oh, my God! Cloud honey! There you are! For our wedding, I was thinking lavender Bride's Maid's dresses and tulips. It would be so beautiful and unique!  
  
Cloud: Security!  
  
Tifa: AHHHHH!  
  
Cloud: Go on.  
  
Sora: Well, taking all that into consideration, if Riku was able to become so powerful and evil well...  
  
--Everyone stares at Sephiroth, who is still stuffing his face.  
  
Sephiroth: Wha? (gulping up food) Why is everybody looking at me?  
  
Sora: He kinda looks like you.  
  
Cloud: What do you mean kinda? If Riku was taller and his hair was longer...  
  
Yuffie: OMG! Your Riku's dad?!!!  
  
Sephiroth: Wha? Who said that?!!!  
  
Sora: You've go to be!  
  
Sephiroth: Huh? Riku? You mean that kid...  
  
Cloud: That looks like a Mini-You!  
  
Sephiroth: Lemme see a picture!  
  
Sora: (pulls out his wallet) Here.  
  
Sephiroth: Oh, shit! It looks just like me!  
  
Cloud: So who did you screw 15 years ago?  
  
Aerith: Cloud, language.  
  
Cloud: Sorry. May I inquire the name of the partner you engaged in sexual intercourse with 15 years past?  
  
Sora: That sounded worse.  
  
Cloud: I know.  
  
Sephiroth: Hmmm...  
  
Leon: You don't get that much action, Sephiroth.  
  
Sephiroth: Who was that chick that just got taken away by security?  
  
Cloud: Tifa.  
  
Sephiroth: I think it was her.  
  
Yuffie: WHAT?!  
  
Leon: Tifa Lockheart?!  
  
Sephiroth: Sounds like a stripper name don't it.  
  
Leon: You know, it does. But what about all of that clone business?  
  
Sephiroth: Oh, yeah. Damn. So is he my son or not?  
  
Leon: There's only one way to find out!  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Jerry: Welcome to Jerry Springer! Here today we have Sephiroth and a group of his friends that have come to answer the question: Is Riku his son?  
  
Cloud: It sooo is.  
  
Sephiroth: I just gotta know!  
  
Jerry: First up, we have a special guest for you to meet, Sephiroth.  
  
Sephiroth: Who?  
  
Jerry: Tifa! Come on out!  
  
Sephiroth: What?!! NO!  
  
Tifa: Don't you remember? You and me, on the beach, warm sand between our hot writhing bodies...  
  
Sephiroth: Enough! I was drunk that night!  
  
Tifa: You've got your story; I've got mine!  
  
Sephiroth: Look, I just want to know if Riku's my son or not.  
  
Jerry: Well, Sephiroth, we've got the results right here!  
  
Sephiroth: Lemme see!  
  
Jerry: Not until the end of the show!  
  
Tifa: Don't deny it! It's your baby!  
  
Cloud: First off, it's not a baby. He's 15.  
  
Sephiroth: And second, I'm not denying it.  
  
Leon: And thirdly, he could be another failed clone.  
  
Jerry: Okay! Spotlight on me now. Thank you! We have another surprise guest.  
  
Sephiroth: Damn.  
  
Jerry: It's Riku!  
  
Sephiroth: Oh, cool.  
  
Riku: Lemme get this straight. You could very well be my father, right?  
  
Sephiroth: Yes.  
  
Riku: But if you are, that means that this whore next to me would be my mother.  
  
Sephiroth: Sadly.  
  
Riku: Okay. The latter is going to be terribly difficult to get used to. (glaring at Sora) One store, huh? Straight home?  
  
Sora: Um, I...  
  
Jerry: So, audience, what do you think about Riku's father. Is it Sephiroth?  
  
Audience Member 1: Nu-uh, girlfriend! No man would love me and leave me, 'specially not with child! Even if that little bitch is the father...  
  
Sephiroth: Bitch?  
  
SLICE!!!  
  
Sephiroth: Anyone else want to talk bad about the "dead beat dad" that never knew he may have been a father anyway.  
  
Cloud: FF7!  
  
Tifa: I never really thought about the father. I just had the kid and then Ansem made me give it up.  
  
Sephiroth: Ansem's behind all of this?  
  
Jerry: We have another special guest. It's Ansem!  
  
Ansem: Hi.  
  
Sephiroth: Anyone in the audience want to call him a bitch?  
  
Audience Member 2: I'd like to say that you have got to be the father and I hope you get full custody instead of that stupid whore! And this new guy is messed up for taking your baby!  
  
Sephiroth: Preach it!  
  
Ansem: I'm leaving.  
  
Sora: Wait a sec! Aren't you dead?!  
  
Ansem: (disappears)  
  
Sephiroth: Okay...hey, Jerry, can I have the results now?  
  
Jerry: Fine. Riku is 99.9%...  
  
Sephiroth: Yes?  
  
Jerry: ...  
  
Sephiroth: Well, say it!  
  
Jerry: ...  
  
Sephiroth: Jesus!  
  
SLICE!!!  
  
Cloud: FF7! (grabs the results from the now headless Jerry's hands) Blah, blah, blah. Hmmm...Riku is 99.9% your son!  
  
Riku: Dad?  
  
Sephiroth: Son?  
  
--They both hug.  
  
Riku: There's so much we need to catch up on!  
  
Sephiroth: I love you son!  
  
Riku: I love you too dad! 


	30. Kupo Action!

* SCENE XXX *  
  
_______________________  
  
--Far away in Traverse Town, having nothing to do with the story...three moogles (you know those piggy lookin' things that have a red pom-pom on their heads ... mogs for short) sit in the back storage room of their Synthesis Lab Thingy.  
  
Mog 1: Wow I love synthesizing, kupo!  
  
Mog 2: Me too, kupo.  
  
Mog 3: Ku *hiccup* po!  
  
Mog 2: Have you been drinking again, kupo?  
  
Mog 3: Kuuuupo...  
  
Mog 1: Hey kupo, where is kupo?!  
  
Mog 2: I think he was walking around in circles the last time I saw him, kupo.  
  
Mog 1: In the town square?  
  
Mog 2: Yes...  
  
Mog 1: ...  
  
Mog 2: ...  
  
Mog 1: ...  
  
Mog 2: ...  
  
Mog 1: ...  
  
Mog 2: ...  
  
Mog 1: ...  
  
Mog 2: ...  
  
Mog 1: ...  
  
Mog 2: ...  
  
Mog 3: KUPO!  
  
Mog 1: Good, kupo, moving on...  
  
--All of a sudden, a fourth mog blasts in through the door.  
  
Mog 4: KUPO!  
  
Mog 1: Back from walking around the town square for no apparent reason, kupo?  
  
Mog 2: Kupo, don't be rude to Kupo.  
  
Mog 1: Which Kupo?  
  
Mog 3: KUPO!  
  
Mog 1: Drunk Kupo?  
  
Mog 2: No, Kupo-Kupo!  
  
Mog 1: Oh, Kupo-Kupo, kupo.  
  
Mog 4: Me, kupo's! Is Kupo drunk?  
  
Mog 1: Are you drunk too, kupo?  
  
Mog 4: No...I brought a camera, kupo!  
  
Mog 1: For the celebration, kupo?  
  
Mog 4: Yup, kupo. For the big "Scene Thirty" Party!  
  
Mog 3: Thirty in Roman Numerals is XXX, kupo!  
  
Mog 1: Kupo confused, kupo.  
  
Mog 2: (shapes head) Kupo...  
  
Mog 4: That's what the camera's for, kupo!  
  
Mog 1: Mog on mog on mog on mog, kupo-action!  
  
Mog: Kinky-kupo!  
  
Mog 3: KUPOOOO!!!  
  
Mog 4: (setting up the camera) Kupo!  
  
Mog 1&2: Kupo-sex!  
  
Mog 3: KUPO-ORGY!  
  
Mog 4: Kupo on film!  
  
Mog 1: Should we sell it, kupo, for a profit?  
  
Mog 2: An underground Kupo Porn XXX movie?  
  
Mog 3: KUPOOO!!!  
  
Mog 4: I suppose we could, kupo, I suppose we could!  
  
--Mog 4 finishes setting up the camera and all of them jump onto a huge bed with crystal synthesized legs and frame.  
  
Mog 4: Why does everyone always want to touch my Pom-Pom thing?  
  
Mog 3: It's just sooo sexy, kupo, sexy!  
  
KUPO! OH, KUPO! KUUUUUPO!!!!  
  
(A/N: Sorry, guys. I just got this really weird and gross idea while playing the game. All that kupo-CRAP was just tearing a whole in my brain, so yeah. A huge Kupo-Orgy! Whoot! I figured it would be funny and wrong. It's just weird instead, but for some reason I can't bring myself to erase it. Oh, well, sorry, kupo!)  
  
KUPOOOO!!!  
  
Pom-Pom goes THERE! POM-POM GOES THERE!!!  
  
Eat that pom-pom! Eat it!  
  
Kupo, yes! Yes, KUPO! 


	31. Get on the Bed and Turn Over!

* SCENE XXXI *  
  
_______________________  
  
--After the Jerry Springer episode was over, the KH/FF gang left to walk to their new homes on Destiny Island.  
  
Sephiroth: Tomorrow, we're gonna hang out like father and son. What do you want to do?  
  
Riku: I don't know dad. Hmmm...a baseball game?  
  
Sephiroth: Sure. As long as I'm having fun with my son, I know I'll be happy.  
  
Riku: Thanks dad. I really needed that. I didn't really feel loved today until now.  
  
--Sora cries inside and fights the tears from poring down his cheeks. Riku glares at him from between the walking crowd, as Sora turns away hoping no one will notice. Cloud pokes Sephiroth's shoulder feeling a competitive edge.  
  
Cloud: Hey, I can be a good father too! Hey, Sora! You wanna do some father- son stuff tomorrow.  
  
Sora: What? (almost crying) Um, I don't know about tomorrow. Um...  
  
Sephiroth: HAHA! Your son doesn't even want to hang out with you.  
  
Cloud: That's not true! Tell him, Sora!  
  
Sora: No, I just don't feel to good.  
  
Aerith: You wanna stay with us tonight?  
  
--The question burns inside Sora. Wanting to stay with Riku, but thinking Riku wants him to leave...he turns to Riku suddenly. Riku, still walking tall and proud, has a great frown on his face also hurting deeply inside. Recovering, he tries to hide it and returns focus to his newfound father.  
  
Sora: I don't want to impose right away. I'll be fine. Tomorrow's good Clou...I mean dad.  
  
Cloud: Good...SON!  
  
Sephiroth: Whatever.  
  
Riku: Well, this is my house now dad, so I guess I'll meet you tomorrow then. Where?  
  
Sephiroth: The mall sounds good. How's about the food court, in front of the Cinnabun Shop. (drools)  
  
Riku: (drools)  
  
Sephiroth: I love you son!  
  
Riku: I love you too, dad!  
  
Sora: Bye everybody.  
  
Riku: Yeah, bye.  
  
--The two walk into Riku's home completely quiet.  
  
Sora: Riku, I...  
  
Riku: Just forget about it. Let's see, what time is it? 10:30. What time did you say you'd be home again?  
  
Sora: Before eight o'clock. But I saw them in a fashion show at the mall and...  
  
Riku: So I see you've got great priorities! And obviously I'm not one of them!  
  
Sora: Riku!  
  
Riku: Save it! You didn't have to come here tonight. You could be off with your mom and dad...  
  
Sora: But I wanna be with you.  
  
Riku: Could have fooled me. You forgot all about old Riku just like you did before. Just like you forgot about me and found those new friends, Donald and Goofy! You always forget about me! (screaming and crying) YOU ALWAYS FORGET!!!  
  
Sora: No! Riku, I don't always forget about you! I don't. I never did! You were the thing that kept me going all throughout my quest. Not Donald. Not Goofy. My friends, they gave me strength to fight. But you, Riku, gave me the will to go on.  
  
Riku: The will to go on, huh? Then go on without me! You never came back home. I sat and waited for you! I made a nice desert and planned out a romantic evening. You and me! I was going to...(cries) We were going to share...(cries) I hate you!  
  
Sora: No! Riku! (embracing him) You are right to hate me! I'm a fool. I don't treat you as I should. I'm far too carefree. But see it in your heart to not give up on me. Keep me here with you, my love. (kissing him)  
  
Riku: (pushing away) Who said I wanted your kisses! I hate you Sora! I can't believe you when you say you love me!  
  
Sora: (crying) But...Riku...I don't know any other way to tell you! I love you Riku! I've always loved you! Please! I love you! Believe me! I truly do!  
  
Riku: You want me to forgive you and take you back?  
  
Sora: Well...yes, I would like a second chance.  
  
Riku: (sarcastically) I don't know if I should.  
  
Sora: You don't have to.  
  
Riku: I will...this time. Just know that if I get hurt again, I won't be so nice. You will pay!  
  
Sora: What?  
  
Riku: I'm evil remember?  
  
Sora: I don't want you to forgive me.  
  
Riku: Why not?  
  
Sora: I don't diserve to be forgiven by you. You gave me all of your love in such a short time. You rewarded me with all I could have hoped for in life, and look what I've done to repay you. Take you for granted. Chased after Kairi, ignored you, left you home waiting for me. I'm just not boyfriend material, Riku. Leave me. Break up with me! Find someone who will love you like I should have!  
  
Riku: If it's not you Sora, then I don't want them.  
  
Sora: Rik...  
  
--Riku pulls Sora close to him. Holding him tight, he whispers...  
  
Riku: I love you Sora. And nothing can change that. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't leave you. I am bound to you forever by my love. (kisses Sora) But you have to try...to at least seem like you feel the same. I'm not into "unrequited" love.  
  
Sora: Of course I love you Riku! (snuggling into Riku's arms)  
  
Riku: Well, then...if you love me so much, would you...give me anything and everything?  
  
Sora: Yes, of course! (smiling dumbly)  
  
Riku: Really? Well then...(picking up Sora) Let's go.  
  
Sora: Where are you carrying me? This is a little weird Riku!  
  
Riku: Don't you trust me with all of your heart and soul?  
  
Sora: Well, yeah, but...I...just...(gulp) Where are you taking me?  
  
Riku: (kicking the door open and flinging Sora on his bed) So you said you'd give me anything? Well, how about going to a new step in our relationship?  
  
Sora: (crawling backwards and ramming his back into the headboard) AHHH! Um, what do you mean Riku? And what's with the funny face?  
  
Riku: Lemme explain. This "funny face" means that I'm horny.  
  
Sora: But you just got through being mad at me?  
  
Riku: We'll you do owe me for hurting me so...and what nicer payment then handing over the deed to your virginity!  
  
Sora: Riku! Don't say that! We haven't even BEEN together for a day yet and you're already trying to get into my pants?! I thought it would take you some time to get used to the guy-on-guy idea, but it seems you catch on quickly!  
  
Riku: (jumping on the bed) Yummm! Sora on my bed and nothing in between us but these nasty clothes. Here, lemme help you take them off.  
  
Sora: (while Riku starts pulling off his jacket) You're moving a little too fast Riku! This is too much! I'm only like 14! I'm turning 15 in a month, but that is NO conselation to the FUCKIN' FACT THAT YOU ARE RAPING ME RIGHT NOW!  
  
Riku: Calm down. You act like you don't want it! You know you've had dreams...dreams, Sora, DREAMS!  
  
Sora: That has nothing to do with anything! STOP IT RIKU! I'm not ready!  
  
Riku: Sure you are. You just don't know it.  
  
Sora: Riku! I'm serious!  
  
Riku: (tossing Sora's jacket to the ground and forcibly kissing him. Riku grabs Sora around his waist and forces himself on top of Sora sending them downwards to roll about on the mattress.) Mmmm...mmmm...  
  
Sora: Rrrr...iku! Mmmm...STOP! (pulling away) Please! (begins to cry) I'm not ready.  
  
Riku: (wiping away Sora's tears) I know you aren't. I wasn't going to actually DO anything. I was just playing around. I would never do anything like that unless I had your consent. I could never hurt you; I love you.  
  
Sora: (glaring) You better!  
  
Riku: But...can we at least make out?  
  
Sora: Yeah.  
  
Riku: And role around on the bed?  
  
Sora: Um...okay...  
  
Riku: And do I have permission to touch you?  
  
Sora: Huh? Touch me where?  
  
Riku: And can I flip you over?  
  
Sora: What are you talking about?  
  
Riku: And can I make love to you and...?  
  
Sora: AHHHH!!!  
  
Riku: Just kidding, calm down. (kisses Sora, sliding his hands lightly down his thigh)  
  
Sora: (shivers) Um...mmmm...(smiles through the kisses)  
  
--Sora and Riku go on throughout the night in a lover's embrace. 


	32. Say It Ain't So Daddy! Say It Ain't Sooo...

* SCENE XXXII *  
  
_______________________  
  
(A/N: Sorry to you all for not updating in so long. Part of it is the fact that school is hard as hell! GAHHH! And the other part is my laziness. I know you all were used to my constant updates. And I'll try to keep it up like before. Sorry, but I hope you like what I have.........so please review! Thank you! And Happy "Artificial Love" Day!)  
  
--Riku wakes up in the bask of light slipping in through the curtains. He looks down to see Sora wrapped tightly in his arms. They never changed into pajamas the previous night so there closes were still on them; however, very wrinkled from all of the tossing and turning of the previous night. Riku kisses Sora lightly on the forehead and leans back to rest. Then a knock is heard on the door and much rustling behind it. Riku's eyes spring open, realizing that no one knows about Sora and himself and that someone out there is just inches away from seeing them tangled together like that.  
  
Voice: Hey, Riku! Are you ready?  
  
Riku: Um, don't come in! I'm.........I'm changing! Um, who is it?  
  
Anothr Voice: It's a stupid bastard! Hey, Sora! You in there too? You guys live together cause of the hurricane, right?  
  
Sora: (slowly waking up) Huh? Wha?  
  
Riku: No! He's in the bathroom! Um, hold on! We'll be ready in a sec! (whispering to Sora) Wake up!  
  
Sora: Huh?  
  
Riku: Shhh! Your dad and my dad are outside our door! They can't know about us just yet! That is the biggest shock to any father! Especially one you've only known for one one night! "Oh hello son. Looks like you had long night." Yeah Dad! I was making out hard core with my boyfriend. "So that's why I saw you two wrapped up in each others arms." Yes dad! I'm gay! Gay as a rainbow with my new beau! Soon, I think we're gonna go all the way. "Good for you son! And don't forget to use a lubricant and protection!" Thanks dad! Is that the kind of bonding you want with Cloud, huh?  
  
Sora: (waking up at a jolt) What? We're gonna go all the way? When did we decide that?  
  
Riku: We didn't. It was an example!  
  
Sora: Nice example.  
  
Riku: Come on! Be serious. Get up!  
  
Sephiroth: Come on you guys! Spendin' to much time in there, your gonna make me start thinkin'.........  
  
Riku: Nothings going on! I swear! Just go down stairs to the game room and play some video games or something!  
  
Sora: Yeah! Play .hack!  
  
Cloud: FF7!  
  
Sephiroth: Oh, hell no!  
  
Riku: (listening to the door) Okay, they left. Get dressed!  
  
--They both hurry and get dressed to go on their little father-son outing. Running down the stairs they both gasp at the sight they find.........  
  
Riku: DAD! WHAT THE FUCK?!!  
  
Sora: Oh, my GOD! What ARE you doing?  
  
Sephiroth: (pushing Cloud away from their embrace) Um, it's nothing! I swear!  
  
Riku: You're gay?  
  
Sephiroth: NO! I am most certainly not! Bi at the very least!  
  
Sora: Dad? Are you gay.........?  
  
Cloud: Um, I don't know.........I mean no!  
  
Riku: I don't know what to say. Wait yeah I do. AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! I just saw my dad making out with your dad! GAHHHH! DOSHITE! DOSHITE! (trans.: Why! Why!)  
  
Sora: Well, I guess that makes our news a little easier to swallow then.  
  
Riku: Number one: SHHHH! And number two: don't say swallow at a time like this.  
  
Cloud: Wait a sec? What?!  
  
Sephiroth: What news do you have?  
  
Sora: Well, I guess I should tell you that I'm gay.  
  
Sephiroth: Oh, is that all? DUH!  
  
Sora: Huh?  
  
Cloud: Well, it was a little obvious.  
  
Sora: (shocked) What do you mean obvious?!  
  
Riku: Moving on! YOU TWO WERE MAKING OUT!  
  
Sephiroth: Oh, come on! Like you never made out with your arch-nemesis!  
  
Riku: So.........I mean! NO!  
  
Sephiroth: OH MY GOD! You made out with Sora, didn't you!!!  
  
Riku: NO!  
  
Sora: (sniff)  
  
Cloud: You okay?  
  
Sora: Some people are just so INSENSITIVE.........RIKU!  
  
Cloud: See, that's the kind of stuff that makes you seem gay.  
  
Sephiroth: Aha! You did, didn't you! Sora and Riku sitting in a tree!  
  
Riku: BAKAAAA!  
  
Sephiroth: K-I-S-S-I-N-G!  
  
Riku: SHUT UP!!!  
  
Sephiroth: Queer!  
  
Riku: Fag!  
  
Sora: Stop it! The both of you! Now, you and Cloud are having an affair and me and Riku are going out!  
  
Riku: Hey.........okay, yeah.........  
  
Sephiroth: Oh, the homo-exoticness' of it all!  
  
Cloud: FF7!  
  
Sora: Okay, can we go out now?  
  
Sephiroth: Fine. Come on Riku, let's go to the baseball game and get a Cinnabon!  
  
Riku: Cool!  
  
Cloud: Let's go to the go carts.........it'll be fun!  
  
Sora: Yay! 


	33. Let the Preparations Begin!

* SCENE XXXIII *  
  
_______________________  
  
--Meanwhile at the coroner's office.  
  
Coroner: Now, how long has your friend been dead?  
  
Goofy: Only a day.  
  
Coroner: Cause of death?  
  
Goofy: Um, he drowned himself in my bathtub.  
  
Coroner: (questioning) In your bathtub?  
  
Goofy: Yes.  
  
Coroner: Ah.........okay then. Suicide or accident?  
  
Goofy: Suicide. He left me a suitcase with these. (hands him the will, suicide note, and an invitation) He wants a "special type" of funeral.  
  
Coroner: Special type?  
  
Goofy: Yes. (hands him the other note)  
  
Coroner: Ah.........(reads) Pyrotechnics?  
  
Goofy: (gulp) Yes.  
  
Coroner: Since he's already dead, we don't have that much time to prepare, but if we put him in the cooler, he should last us about a week.  
  
Goofy: Um, he started sending out invitations a few days ago. The funeral has to be on the 3rd of next month.  
  
Coroner: Four days? Four days to do this?  
  
Goofy: Yes.  
  
Coroner: Who is your friend?  
  
Goofy: Donald Duck.  
  
Coroner: Oh. (swallows some pills and chugs down some Scotch) Okay, we can have it done. It's gonna cost. But, I can have it done.  
  
Goofy: Thank you. About how much?  
  
Coroner: The funeral will be about.........45,000. Not including the coffin. The coffin will be 15,000 at the least and the actual burial will be 25,000. How many will be attending?  
  
Goofy: I'm not sure.  
  
Coroner: It's going to be $500/head.  
  
Goofy: (crying) I see. I haven't got a prayer, do I?  
  
Coroner: No, I'm afraid you don't.  
  
Goofy: Wait! What about his bank account? He's dead so why would it matter? We clean it out and use that for the funeral! Ha, ha!  
  
Coroner: Good plan.........so I suppose you'll have to visit the bank and come back. Well, I have three more appointments today, so I'll pencil you in and begin the preparations. I will need my money a day before the celebra.........I mean funeral.  
  
Goofy: Why did you almost say celebration?  
  
Coroner: Well you see.........I've had to deal with this Donald Duck character before. His first funeral was a disaster. Everything was decked in heavenly fabric. Whites, golds, and blues. And he was dressed in a toga with a harp at his side and wings upon his back. Everyone was there, crying and carrying on. Daisy, Mickey, and Minnie.  
  
Goofy: Why wasn't I invited?  
  
Coroner: Don't know.  
  
Goofy: I was probably in knight training.  
  
Coroner: Anyway. At the end, a choir of nuns came out and sang a hymn as Donald, with the aid of wires, floated up above the coffin and screamed "Howdy folks!" Everyone was in shock, especially Daisy.  
  
Goofy: Did you know?  
  
Coroner: No, but I think he paid off the nuns because right after that he landed and grabbed an electric guitar hidden in the coffin and stared to play "Dude Looks Like a Lady."  
  
Goofy: With the nuns?  
  
Coroner: With the nuns.........they even had choreography!  
  
Goofy: Damn.  
  
Coroner: So I suggest before you go any further with this, you make sure that son of a bitch Donald is as dead as you think he is.  
  
Goofy: What do you suggest?  
  
Coroner: Do what you've got to do. Every dog has his day, and yours is to make sure that you've got a dead duck in the tub and not a live one.  
  
Goofy: Are you suggesting.........  
  
Coroner: Just go! I'm tired of lamely breaking it down for you: If he's not already dead than kill 'em or call off the funeral. Personally, the former is much more amusing. 


	34. Like Fathers, Like Sons

SCENE XXXIV

--Riku and Sephiroth sit in the stands watching the most heart-wrenching thing they have ever seen in baseball history!

Riku: Oh, MY GOD! Dad what the fk is happening out there!

Sephiroth: It looks like the two Mascots and the umpire are gang raping the batboy.

Riku: What!

Sephiroth: I know, I know….but all kids have to learn about it some time…

Riku: What's that midget doing out there?

Sephiroth: Most likely he's gonna pee on the little…kid…and there he goes…

Riku: (covering his eyes) What the hell kinda sport is this!

Sephiroth: A queer one…and fin' nasty I might add, wanna get a Cinnabun now?

Riku: (traumatized) Um…sure…

--MEANWHILE…

Sora: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Cloud: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Sora: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Cloud: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Sora: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Cloud: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Sora: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Cloud: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Sora: I love the swings!

Cloud: Wanna do the go carts now?

Sora: Sure!

Cloud: Wait a sec! I have a better idea! Let's highjack golf carts and wreak havoc out on the green!

Sora: Um…

Cloud: Come on…it'll be fun!

Sora: Okay, but if we get in trouble…

Cloud: Then I'll ditch you, come on!

--MEANWHILE…in an alley somewhere…with Cinnabuns…and coffee…

Riku: (munch) Yup…

Sephiroth: (munch) Mmhm…

Riku: (sip) Ah…yeah…

Sephiroth: (Gulp gulp) Ah…pretty much…

Riku: Soooo…how's it been with you?

Sephiroth: Same old, same old. And you?

Riku: You know…a little of this and a little of that…

Sephiroth: So…where should we stash the body?

Riku: I don't know. That's what I've been trying to figure out. How about…the garbage?

Sephiroth: No, too easy and too predictable.

Riku: Yeah…I know! Stage a suicide!

Sephiroth: Nice… (pulls out dagger and puts it in her hand) that should work…are you sure you are okay with this?

Riku: Yeah, I was happy when my first set of parents died, why not her…she's a whore.

Sephiroth: A whore that gave you up as a baby. But, I suppose, if all this didn't happen…

Riku: Go on…

Sephiroth: Fuck, I forgot my sentence. Hey, wanna go watch some bum fights?

Riku: Cool!

--MEANWHILE…

Cloud: Run you little bitch!

Sora: I'm trying!

Golfer: Get back here you fuckers!

Cloud: Shit! Run!

Sora: (trips) Dad! Help!

Cloud: Damn! (grabs sword even though it wasn't strapped to his back at the time, it magically appears in his hand much like many awkward video game glitches…grrr) Super Big Sword Thingy with Bandages and Shit ATTACK!

Golfer: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! (falls over)

Sora: (getting up) That was a bit much.

Golfer: (gets up) What the hell was that?

Cloud: Run!

Sora: …

--They duck into a bar…that was near the putting green…yeah…

Cloud: Let's hide out here.

Sora: You know I'm 14, right?

Cloud: Yes, now SHHHH!

--Behind the bar, stands a "vampiric" looking gentlemen.

Cloud: What are you doing here?

Vincent: Can't a man open up his own bar? What are you doing here?

Cloud: Me and my son—

Vincent: WHAT!

Cloud: Me and my…

Vincent: I heard you, but son? That's your son?

Cloud: Yes, meet Sora.

Vincent: Oh, I get it. Cloud and Sky…lame…

Cloud: I didn't name him. His mother did.

Vincent: The slut or the flower chick?

Cloud: The flower one.

Vincent: Oh, god, I was about to feel a little bad for the kid. (sarcastic)

Cloud: Why?

Vincent: You know how many people Titfa slept with?

Cloud: It's Tifa.

Vincent: I know, but funny huh? You get it? Titfa! HAHAAAA!

Sora: That's my boy—, I mean…best friend's mom.

Vincent: Holy, shit! Does he know who his father is?

Sora: Yeah, why?

Vincent: Just covering my bases.

Cloud: Not you too.

Vincent: I was drunk, and I meant to feed on her blood…but oops! Heh, you know…hey, she's hot…anyway, who is the dad? And are you guys sure? (shifty eyed)

Cloud: Sephiroth.

Vincent: SEPHIROTH! A father? HAHAHAAAA! Wow! Didn't see that one coming…I tell ya…but aren't you two…you know…

Sora: Dad!

Cloud: Vincent!

Vincent: Oops, you know I was never good with secrets. Like the time you told me never to tell anyone you were having those weird thoughts lately…

Cloud: Shut up!

Vincent: Oops! Heh. At least it's not as bad as that time I accidentally told Sephiroth you were a bed wetter…that really sucked.

Cloud: What? I never told you I was a bed wetter!

Vincent: Than who did?

Cloud: I wasn't a bed wetter.

Vincent: Than why did I think that! Obviously, someone is in denial!

Cloud: I am not in denial!

Vincent: You were when you found out you were gay!

Sora: DAD!

Cloud: I'm not gay!

Vincent: Denial!

Cloud: Who do you talk too!

Vincent: Mostly drunk people nowadays…but hey, what are ya gonna do! So I figure…

Cloud: Shut up!

Sora: You're cheating on my mom with my 'best friend's' dad! What the hell!

Cloud: No I'm not!

Vincent: Denial…

Random Drunk Guy: SHUT UP! Holy crap! Watch the news report on the game!

Vincent: What happened?

Cloud: Huh?

TV Reporter: Hello, I am Susan Joho…

Cloud: Joho?

Vincent: They're cousins…

TV: …with the top news story of the day. Today at Destiny Field, a riot broke out after the two Mascots and the umpire gang raped the batboy.

Vincent: Heh, cool…

Cloud: What the f!

Sora: Didn't Riku and his dad go to a baseball game? thinks: "I hope he's okay!"

TV: The gang rape started a mass riot, forcing the three culprits to release the battered batboy…no pun intended. However, just before the riot started, a 'little person' as they like to be called now, ran up to the scene and urinated on the child.

Seymour: (walking up out of nowhere…with a monotoned voice as usual) What is this world coming to…oh, dear, the raping…no the gang raping of a young boy…what a disgrace to the beauty of childhood…wouldn't you agree my dear Vincent…

Vincent: No.

Seymour: Well, then I suppose…oh, dear…I have not met your friends…what a pleasure…a delight to be shown into the divine presence of such a wonderful…

Vincent: Go away.

Seymour: I see the hostility between the two of us is rising…but what can really be done of that…like a circle of life…like a web of lies…like a string of hate…

Vincent: It can only go on and on until it winds into itself…

Seymour: A burdened and withering coil of…

Vincent: Confusion?

Seymour: And innocence which has been pulled through the very scorns of…

Vincent: A) time, B) pain, C) love, D) life

Cloud: I say C…love.

Sora: No, it's got to be pain! B!

Cloud: C!

Vincent: You are both wrong. The answer is A!

Seymour: …time…and this is where we are all lost…

Vincent: He's got like some freaky intellectual monotoned ADD. Watch. Hey, Seymour, Would you like some food?

Seymour: …and in this continuum…food? Food would be most entertaining…much as the company…what will you be serving this day of days in your fine establishment my dear Vincent.

Vincent: Nothing.

Seymour: The very absence of sustenance brings a sadness to my withering soul.

Vincent: Chips and burgers.

Seymour: Oh what joy there is in the food that we share as friends or as brothers or as more than brothers or as lovers…

Vincent: No.

Seymour: I didn't mention anything of the sort…I jest…I…ahem…excuse me…please introduce me to your friends…

Vincent: This is Cloud and his 'son' Sora.

Seymour: Why greetings my dear Cloud and Sora…so very pleasant to be meeting you…what a lovely pair…son and father…father and son…and what a large sword you have…

Cloud: What the hell?

Seymour: Hell is a very amusing place…

Vincent: Hell Boy sucked.

Sora: Really?

Vincent: No…but it was a little of a disappointment, a bit campy from the comic book version…

Cloud: FF7!

Seymour: And your sword…it is large…

Cloud: GAH! STOP IT!

Vincent: 'efe efe siete!'

Seymour: To stop is to no longer be going, and I am standing here without moving forward…

Cloud: I meant…

Seymour: Or backward…

Vincent: Here he goes…

Seymour: Or leftward…or rightward…or diagonally in either direction in which I would be able to move towards positively while covering ground uncovered…

Cloud: Come on Sora, we're leaving…

Seymour: Leaving, but the festivities have only just commenced.

Cloud: That's okay.

Vincent: Thanks for ditching me!

Cloud: You can come.

Vincent: Two things…I gotta man the bar and it's sunny outside.

Cloud: Oh…………bye! (grabs Sora)

Sora: AAH! Um…BYE!


End file.
